


A Glimpse of Eternity

by enars_usurper



Series: Eternity [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Romance, Science Fiction, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-11 06:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enars_usurper/pseuds/enars_usurper
Summary: (Completed) A collection of short stories following the evolution of Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko's relationship while hunting Saren and trying to stop Sovereign from heralding in the age of the Reapers. A Glimpse of Eternity is set during the events of ME1 and there are gameplay spoilers. M/F, FemShep x Kaidan Alenko. Rated M for later chapter content.





	1. Anchors Aweigh

Commander Kiara Shepard looked out the windows on the bridge as space drifted past them. They were approaching a relay and she found herself bracing her feet for the surge she expect to come. She was used to feeling it when ships went through one of the relays.

It surprised her when she barely felt a thing as the ship made its jump through the Arcturus Prime Relay. The new state-of-the-art SSV Normandy was an impressive vessel. She envied Captain Anderson for his appointment to the Normandy and she was honored he had chosen her as his Executive Officer.

 _Good pilot too_ , she thought as the man behind the controls rolled off the travel stats. To her right, the turian Spectre, Nihlus, commented and then left to report it to the captain.

Jeff "Joker" Moreau was the best pilot in the Alliance and he made it his point to make sure everyone knew it too. Not that he was egotistical and pompous in a bad way, as some were known to be, but it was just a fact to him. He was the best. Period. She'd gotten to know him a bit on a previous posting and she was glad there was someone else on the ship she'd build a rapport with.

Her brow raised though when he made the comment he hated Nihlus. She was about to step forward to inquire when a male voice came up from the chair to Joker's right. "Nihlus gave you a compliment…so you hate him?" the crewman asked, turning his head to look at Joker.

Kiara couldn't place what it was about that voice that gave her pause. Her emerald gaze moved from the consoles in front of Joker to look at the man who's voice had caught her off guard.

From her angle, she could only catch the side of his face but that glimpse revealed dark hair and tanned skin. His hair was cut in a style that drew the gaze down to a strong square jaw, that held the faintest hint of stubble shadowing its lines. His lips, what she could see by their upturned smirk towards Joker, looked full and the side profile of his nose echoed the strong lines of his jaw. Dark, full eyebrows framed eyes she couldn't quite make out in the dimmed lighting of the bridge. By the angle, she could have sworn they were as dark as his hair.

He was a soldier, there was no doubt about that by the look of him, even sitting in the chair as he was. Her mind turned back to the dossiers on the crew of the Normandy and recalled there not being a second pilot. Thinking back through the files, she remembered one profile who's picture looked similar. Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. He was head of the Normandy's marine detail and considered a powerful biotic in the Alliance. Jump Zero training, if she remember the file correctly.

With an ear to their conversation, her stance held in the formal military at-ease posture, she returned her glance to the console. She couldn't help but hide a smirk on her lips at the exchange.

"You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom? That's good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that's incredible!" Joker retorted, unwavering from his character with his statement, "Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don't like having him on board. Call me paranoid." Shepard remembered Joker's inability to keep a filter on - and his penchant for conspiracy theories.

"You're paranoid. The Council helped fund this project. They have the right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment," Lieutenant Alenko shot back. She smirked silently. He was direct.

Good. The Alliance needed direct people who spoke their minds and both of these men didn't seem to have a problem with it. Especially Joker, "Yeah, that is the 'official story'. But only an idiot believes the 'official story'."

She couldn't disagree with his statement, however. Something about this whole mission hadn't been sitting well with her. "You always expect the worse, Joker, but I agree, they don't send Spectres on shakedown runs," she piped in.

Kaidan glanced over his shoulder to the Commander and froze. He'd heard of Commander Shepard, seen vids of her during interviews, but nothing could have prepared him for seeing her in person. She was stunning with her blue black hair bound tightly at the back of her head in a high bun. She held her form rigid like the marine she was, which didn't surprise him, given her impressive service record.

She was Alliance bred and raised, a spacer her whole life on military vessels. Alliance flowed in her veins and even standing there reviewing the consoles, she was remarkable. It was her startlingly green gaze that truly gave him pause, though. She continued scanning over the consoles in front of her with a calculating and severe eye yet still, they held a warmth to them. An element that just seemed to draw him in and not let him leave.

"So there is more going on here than the captain's letting on," Joker said, his fingers moving on the console. He glanced over to Kaidan who looked away from the Commander and brought his attention back to the displays in front of him. The Captain had asked him to keep an eye on some of the systems while they made their jump.

As if on cue, Captain Anderson's voice rang over the comm, "Joker! Status report."

"Just cleared the mass relay, Captain. Stealth systems engaged. Everything looks solid."

"Good. Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime," Anderson replied, the tone of command clear.

"Aye, aye, Captain. Better brace yourself, sir. Nihlus is headed your way," Joker said. It amazed Shepard how his fingers never seeming to cease moving along the HUD display of the flight console.

"He's already here, Lieutenant," Anderson chided, a tone which she noted likely had Joker feeling like an ass. Hell, standing there, that tone made  _Kiara_  feel like an ass and she hadn't said anything. "Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing."

"You get that, Commander?" Joker asked over his shoulder after the comm link clicked off.

"Great," she said with a tone heavy in sarcasm, "You piss the captain off and now I'm going to pay for it." With a smirk, she shook her head and turned to head back towards the comm room.

"Pff. Don't blame me. The captain's always in a bad mood," Joker replied, looking over his shoulder to her.

As Kiara walked out off the bridge she heard Lieutenant Alenko pipe up, "Only when he's talking to you, Joker." It made her smile. Then the smile faded and her usual severe look took over her features as she made her way to the comm room.

After a brief detour to speak to Doctor Chakwas and Corporal Richard Jenkins, she proceeded into the meeting with the Captain. He'd been tense since they'd gotten under way and she wondered if she would finally learn what was going on.

A meeting with a Council Spectre and an annoyed Captain…she couldn't wait.


	2. Eden Prime

As far as missions could go, Eden Prime had been bad. The whole day had been bad in Shepard's opinion. The only silver lining was they'd managed to rescue a marine by the name of Ashley Williams from the attack and the Council was considering Shepard for Spectre status. Time would tell if after the events of Eden Prime that consideration still stood.

During the meeting with the Captain and the Spectre Nihlus, who'd been sent to evaluate her candidacy, an emergency distress call had been sent out from the colony Eden Prime. Given that colony world was already their destination to pick up a highly classified Prothean beacon that'd been unearthed there, the Normandy prepared for the mission's new parameters.

Joker had been right. It was definitely not a shakedown run. Lieutenant Alenko and Corporal Jenkins were her team and, along with Nihlus, they were to recover the beacon at all costs.

That cost had been Corporal Jenkins's life, as well as Nihlus's.

No one could have predicted the Geth would be there, or that another Spectre named Saren had defected and was leading them. The colony outpost that had found the beacon had been wiped out. Thankfully the Normandy's team disarmed the nukes before there was more destruction but the beacon had been destroyed.

The beacon.

As Shepard laid there, her head pounding like a frigate hit it, she slowly began to remember the events. The Prothean beacon had been activated and Lieutenant Alenko, somehow, had gotten pulled in by it. Rather, it tried to. She recalled seeing it and running to him, grabbing him and throwing him out of the way.

Then all she could remember were flashes, images and visions of machines and death. Fractured. Hazy. Like a nightmare, then nothing. Still, clear as day, the images remained in her mind but try as she might, she couldn't figure out what they meant or what they were trying to show her. What had happened?

Slowly, she opened her eyes. Was she still back on Eden Prime? A moment of listening told her she wasn't as the near-silent hum of the Normandy reached her. Her eyes took a moment to focus as she heard Lieutenant Alenko's voice come through, "Doctor? Doctor Chakwas? I think she's waking up."

Kaidan sighed in relief. For the last fifteen hours he'd stayed in the infirmary. Guilt and worry had wracked him over his carelessness. He'd cursed himself, replaying it over and over in his head. He shouldn't have gone near the beacon, not when it was active. He recalled how entranced he was, like it'd been calling to him, a hum resonating through him. It was too late by the time he realized it was trying to pull him to it.

Then Commander Shepard was there, grabbing him and throwing him hard out of the way. Before he could do anything, it had grabbed her, lifting her off the ground. She looked as if she were having a seizure and a panic had set within him. Ashley had to hold him back when he tried to go for her, to try to save her as she'd saved him. Then she'd collapsed and the beacon exploded.

He remembered ripping out of Ashley's hold as he raced over to the Commander, checking her over. She looked no worse for wear but she was unconscious. He worried about what had happened and called for an emergency evac. The beacon was destroyed, the bombs diffused. The mission was over. Already the death of his friend, Jenkins, was tearing him up. Kaidan didn't know if he could handle loosing the Commander as well.

Through those hours, Kaidan's mind had taken him back to Jump Zero and what happened there with his old instructor. Try as he might, he couldn't stop thinking about it. He'd been careless then, too, and it had cost him more than he'd ever admit to anyone. Just as he'd been careless on Eden Prime and it nearly cost them all the Commander.

Doctor Chakwas hadn't been sure if she was going to wake up and that had made everything worse for him. So when Commander Shepard began to stir and he heard her groan, the elation he felt was more than he could put words to. He realized then he cared a lot about her well being.

Of course he did, he corrected his own thoughts. They all did. She was their XO and an Alliance hero. There were bound to be people who cared what happened to her. It made sense after fighting by her side on Eden Prime that he was one of them. Even the newest crew member, Ashley, likely cared about Commander Shepard's well being.

"You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?" Doctor Chakwas asked as Shepard sat up. Her head throbbed even more as she moved.

God, her head was killing her. She felt like the morning after shore leave but she wasn't going to admit it. Not with the Lieutenant standing there. With a brief glance, she had seen how worried he was and she knew he likely blamed himself for what happened. "Minor throbbing. Nothing serious. How long was I out?" Shepard asked. She didn't need one of her officers second guessing his instincts the next time they were out in the field.

At least, that's what she told herself. "About fifteen hours. Something happened down there with the beacon," Dr. Chakwas said.

Lieutenant Alenko chimed in, "It's my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way." His voice was tense and Shepard knew she'd hit the nail on the head with her assumption. He did blame himself.

"You had no way to know what would happen," she said to him, turning her head slowly to look at him over her shoulder. Kaidan seemed to relax a bit at that, a smile touching one side of his lips. She realized then she liked his smile. It changed his face for the better. She already found him attractive, a dangerous emotion given the regulations of the Alliance and their ranks, but when he smiled, it was a sight that gave her pause.

"Actually, we don't even know if that's what set it off," Chakwas said, drawing Shepard's attention back to her. "Unfortunately, we'll never get the chance to find out."

"The beacon exploded. A system overload, maybe," Lieutenant Alenko said as he stepped up to stand in front of her next to Dr. Chakwas. "The blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship," he continued as he looked at her. She could still see the worry knitting his brow.

"I appreciate it," Shepard said. She realized then she'd not had a chance since they went through the mass relay to see him out of his armor closely. She'd been right about his hair. It was thick and a warm black that brought out his amber colored eyes. She'd never seen such deep amber eyes as his. They bordered on traditional brown but for the golden core that burst from around his pupils. Dark eyelashes and full eyebrows framed them, seeming to make them stand out even more.

He gave her a solemn nod as Chakwas continued her evaluation of the Commander, "Physically, you're fine. But I detected unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming." Slowly Shepard slid off the table and stood up, leaning against the bed and crossing her arms over her chest to brace herself from the pain that rushed her head.

She remembered the vision, it coming back to her as vivid as ever. "I saw…I'm not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction. Nothing's really clear," she admitted, looking down. Her mind tried to make sense of images.

"Hmm. I better add this to my report. It may…oh, Captain Anderson," Chakwas began to say when the door to the infirmary slid open and Anderson walked in.

"How's our XO holding up, Doctor?" he asked. Shepard stood at attention as Lieutenant Alenko followed in suit, turning to face him. Already the headache was starting to clear up, for which she was thankful.

"All the readings look normal. I'd say the Commander's going to be fine," Chakwas said, giving a nod to the Captain.

The Captain nodded, "Glad to heart it. Shepard, I need to speak with you. In private." He looked to Shepard and she knew this was not going to be a conversation she liked. The mission had failed in the worst of ways. She knew she had to answer for it.

"Aye, aye, Captain," Lieutenant Alenko said to the Captain, saluting him, "I'll be in the mess if you need me." Shepard didn't miss how the last half of that sentence was directed in her direction before he departed, the Doctor going with him. Once they were gone, Anderson looked at her grimly.

"Sounds like the beacon hit you pretty hard, Commander. You sure you're okay?" he inquired, concern touching his voice. It helped assuage the storm inside her over her failure. Captain Anderson had been her mentor, a man she'd looked up to her whole life.

He was a close friend of her father's, having fought in the First Contact War together. They'd remained close afterwards as both worked their way through the Alliance military ranks. When Kiara had followed in her parent's footsteps and joined the Alliance, the Captain had been right there to give her guidance. When he asked her to serve as his XO on the Normandy, she couldn't refuse him.

With Anderson, she knew she could speak openly and be honest. "I don't like soldier's dying under my command," she admitted.

"Jenkin's wasn't your fault. You did a good job, Shepard," Anderson said. She knew he meant to reassure her but it only upset her more as she frowned. She did a good job? She lost a team member and the mission failed.

"Intel dropped the ball, sir. We had no idea what we were walking into down there. That's why things went to hell," she said, a bit more forcefully than she would have liked. But she was angry with the way things went and she wasn't afraid to show it.

"The Geth haven't been outside the Veil in two centuries, Commander," Anderson chided. "Nobody could have predicted this."

She sighed and knew he was right but it didn't help cool her upset any less. She thought of Williams, "Did we leave Gunnery Chief Williams back on Eden Prime?"

Anderson shook his head, "I figured we could use a soldier like her. She's been reassigned to the Normandy."

"Williams is a good soldier. She deserves it," Shepard said, glad to see Williams was being treated right. She'd survived hell and still fought with the ferocity of a damned good marine. They needed people like that on their crew.

"Lieutenant Alenko agrees with you. That's why I added her to our crew," he said but then his face crew solemn. She knew what was coming.

Over the next ten minutes of debriefing, her expectations came to fruition. Though Anderson didn't blame her for what happened, Kiara blamed herself. The icing on the cake was they both knew that this was going to hurt her chances of becoming a Spectre, though if she was honest with herself, that was the last thing on her mind. She knew it'd look good for humanity but she had bigger issues than playing nice with politicians.

Saren was on her mind. He had turned against the Council and had a fierce hatred of humans. She had no doubt he'd sought out that beacon to gain power to hurt them. She didn't know how or why yet, but she was going to find out. He and his Geth attacked a human settlement, killed Jenkins and Nihlus and who knew what they took from the beacon. This was personal. She was determined to do whatever it took to stop whatever he had planned.

"I'll contact the Ambassador and see if he can get us an audience with the Council. He'll want to see us as soon as we reach the Citadel," Anderson said. It was clear he wasn't looking forward to this but he was as determined as she was to stop Saren and believed just as strongly that Saren wanted to destroy the human race. "We should be getting close. Head up to the bridge and tell Joker to bring us into dock."

Shepard saluted him with a nod and he turned to leave. She following behind him and as she left the med bay she spotted Lieutenant Alenko. Approaching him, he looked at her. "Commander. I'm glad to see you're okay," he said, "Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew. And I'm glad we didn't lose you, too."

His concern was touching and she could see how hard Jenkins' death was hitting him. It tugged at something deep inside her. She wanted to help him, to unknit the furrow in his brow. "Things were pretty rough down there," she said with a soft nod.

"Yeah, you never get used to seeing dead civilians. Doesn't seem right, somehow," he said with a small shake of his head, "But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony."

The look she gave him bore into Kaidan as he looked back at her. "I couldn't have done it without you," she said, the truth heavy in her words. She meant it and that made him feel better, though he still kicked himself for what happened to Jenkins, and to her.

"We're marines. We stick together," he said, "I'm just sorry we lost Jenkins." He was more sorry than he'd ever admit.

"Yeah," she said with a short pause, "I wish I could've done something to save him." He saw then she felt the same guilt over Jenkins' death. It pulled at him.

"I was there. You did everything right. It was just bad luck," he said, trying to reassure her. "It's been a hell of a shakedown cruise. Our first mission ends with one Spectre killing another. The Citadel Council's not gonna be happy about that. Probably use it to lever more concessions out of the Alliance." The thought annoyed him. He hated politics.

"You've got a good grasp of the situation." She was impressed and a little more than curious about this Lieutenant Alenko after his statement, "You a career man?"

"Yeah. A lot of biotics are. We're not restricted, but we sure don't go undocumented. May as well get a paycheck for it," he said with a bit of a wry grin. "Besides," he continued, "my father served. Made him proud when I enlisted. Eventually. But is that why you're here? Because of your family?" He knew she was from a long line of military lineage.

Shepard smirked and gave a nod, "I was a regular Navy brat. I got a little more noteworthy than the folks expected." It surprised him when she shrugged at that. She clearly wasn't a fan of the attention it brought but he suspected there was something more to it.

"Ah, that's right. Akuze," he said, "I imagine that bought you any post in the fleet." As soon as he mentioned it though, he could see that she wasn't happy about it. Clearly Akuze was a sore subject and something deeper bothered her about it. He'd heard what happened, how she'd lost her whole unit. After loosing Jenkins, he could only imagine how that felt.

"Word is we're heading for the Citadel, ma'am. Can you tell me why?" he asked, trying to change the subject. It was clearly a sensitive one.

"The captain hopes the Ambassador can get an audience with the Council. Tell them what Saren's been up to," she said. There was no masking the anger in her gaze at the mention of Saren's name, or the determination there. Kaidan hoped then, seeing that, he never did anything to be the cause of a gaze like that…or on the other end of it.

He saw a piece of her steel core that shed little doubt on the kind of soldier she was. A fierce one with intent to match her morals. When she had her sights set on something, there would be nothing to stand in her way. She'd proven that on Akuze but now, standing there talking with her, Kaidan saw it first hand. Suddenly he understood a lot more about her and the way she ticked. It awed him and only increased the attraction he felt towards her.

She was a strong woman, through and through, and that appealed to him. It enticed him into wanting to learn more about her. It was a dangerous line of thought. She was a Commander and he was a Lieutenant. There were a number of regulations against fraternization. It was a place neither of them could go but it didn't stop the desire he felt at wanting to know her better.

"Makes sense," he said, trying to draw his thoughts from the line they'd been following. "They'd probably like to know he's not working for them anymore. Whatever happens, we'll be ready, Commander." He formed up a bit more rigid in his stance.

Shepard smiled and gave him a nod then headed towards the bridge. She'd never been to the Citadel before but she'd heard wonderful things about it. She was eager to see it but that eagerness was tamped down by the business she knew they'd have to deal with while there.

Oh joy of joys.


	3. The View

Politics infuriated Commander Shepard. It didn't matter who was doing the politicking, she hated politics. Between the Alliance Command and the Citadel's Council, she was fed up with the bureaucracy and red tape. She was a soldier, a marine. She wanted decisive action not the run around.

The proof of Saren's betrayal was there, as was his danger to the human race, but the Council wouldn't hear it. To them, human's were just second-class citizens and it ate at Shepard like little else did.

They needed to track down some leads but while they waited for some of them to pan out, Williams and Alenko joined her on a self-guided tour through the Citadel. She hoped it would get her mind off of things.

The Citadel was huge. As they headed down to the wards, she was in awe at the vastness of everything. They remained in the small section around the Citadel Tower and the businesses there but even that was as large as a major district in one of Earth's major metropolises. Though she wanted to see just how expansive the Citadel was, their leads and contacts were in that area so Shepard remained close.

As they stepped off the elevator onto the ward level, they were greeted with huge windows on the other side of the corridor looking out onto one of the Citadel's arms. The view was breathtaking and reinforced Shepard's impression that it was the size of some of the metropolises she'd seen on Earth and other planets, if not larger.

Mesmerized, she approached the vista and looked out. It was beautiful, albeit loud. She was glad she took the moment to appreciate it. They all took a few minutes, reflecting on the Citadel. The three of them agreed it was huge and the scope of how many races were there was humbling.

The conversation turned to talking about the Council and how they regarded the races they governed. While Chief Williams took a more jaded view, befitting her bit more xenophobic leanings, Shepard was impressed by the way Lieutenant Alenko seemed to be able to look at it from a different perspective.

"…It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together," Kaidan said as he admired the view himself. It made sense and his upset over the Council's inactions was tempering as he took in the sheer impact of what this station represented.

"Or maybe they just don't like humans," Williams injected.

"Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want," Shepard said sarcastically. She understood where Williams was coming from, but on the flip side, it didn't mean she agreed.

Alenko smiled, "When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you." The way he said that caught Shepard's attention as she glanced over at him. Williams looked at him too with a suspecting look. He quickly attempted a recovery, "I mean us. Humans...Ma'am." He brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck in a nervous gesture as he looked away.

"You don't take much shore leave, do you, L-T?" Williams said with a quirked brow. She seemed to enjoy teasing him.

"All right, laugh it up, Chief," Shepard said, "I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we're on duty here." And they were on duty whether she liked it or not, a fact no beautiful view could distract her from. Not to mention comments like that threatened her ability to not find him attractive. It wasn't a route she could go down. The regs against fraternization were there for a reason.

"Um, aye, aye, ma'am," Kaidan said awkwardly with a nod. It wasn't a rejection but he still couldn't believe he'd let it slip. Silently he cursed himself. He'd been worried, suddenly, that this trip to the Citadel was going to be a lot more awkward after that. But when he looked at the Commander, she was at ease and didn't seem like his comment had made her uncomfortable. An observation that got him thinking and wondering if maybe his interest wasn't entirely one-sided.

Especially after she looked over at him and their eyes met. Neither could seem to look away. Until Williams popped up with a teasing lilt in her voice, "I'll walk drag, ma'am." She'd seen the look and she made no attempt to hide that fact. Williams knew the regs too but her views on them were more lax than a lot of marines.

"Lets get going," Shepard said as she turned from the spectacular view of the Citadel and went back to the mission on hand. Nothing, not even a handsome Lieutenant, would distract her from their mission.


	4. Mako

"Uhm, Commander?" Kaidan said hesitantly. One hand gripped the dash of the Mako and the other gripped the handle overhead as the vehicle bounced and crashed around. A glance over to Commander Shepard showed a huge grin playing on her face and a fire in her eyes.

"Come on, Lieutenant. Where's your sense of fun? Your sense of adventure?" she asked looking sidelong at him. Just as she did they tore over a small hill, they took some air then crashed back down to the ground, the shock absorbers cushioning the fall as she continued driving.

"I'm all about fun, Commander, but usually I like to be alive to enjoy myself," he said wryly, his body jolting and jerking from side to side.

In the back, Williams wooped and laughed as they took air over another hill, "L-T, this is living! Can't you feel the rush of adrenaline? The heat of excitement as your stomach flips? The elation of that moment of weightlessness before your heart surges as you come back down?"

"Oh I feel my stomach flipping alright…" he said as his fingers tightened on their holds. "Do you have to hit every boulder and sharp hill you find, Commander? Its like you're trying to run over them."

Shepard grinned even more. She was amused at how much out of his element Alenko was in but she agreed with Williams. "I am!" she laughed and swerved to make sure she climbed up a large rock cropping as fast as she could. "Live a little, Alenko! That's an order."

"Its about letting go, L-T. Just giving into the ride and letting it take you," Williams said, reaching to give Kaidan a pat on the back.

"I'll take your word for it, Chief," was all he said as he closed his eyes. He tried to let go and 'let the ride take him'. He managed, somewhat, but he still couldn't do it fully. When he opened his eyes, he found he'd turned his face towards the Commander. She was the first thing he saw and the look of elation and joy on her face as she tore across the country made her radiant.

It completely took his breath away and he saw it then. The freedom she was embracing by pulling the stuns she was. She was actually letting loose and having fun. It looked good on her and it inspired him. Taking a breath, he tried to let go of the tension as he let go of the dash and the handle.

He'd expected the jerking to be more dramatic but he found without bracing it wasn't as violent of a ride. It was still nerve wracking, though, especially when the Commander took a nearly vertical route up the side of a hill just to come down the other side at speeds Kaidan didn't want to know. It was a rollercoaster of sensation but the more he tried to just let go and enjoy it, he did.

Not as much as the Commander and Gunnery Chief but, at least, he wasn't as tense as he had been before.

Watching him out of the corner of her eye, Shepard couldn't help but smile as she saw him let go a little just as the Mako took to another large rock cropping, sending the vehicle soaring through the air…


	5. After Therum

Shepard was heading to her quarters when she noticed Lieutenant Alenko by one of the consoles near her quarters. He was working on making adjustments to one of the junctions there. She remembered seeing a report about it acting up. She was glad it was being seen to and especially by someone who seemed to have a knack for tech.

 _He definitely seems good with his hands_ , she thought.

She quickly looked away and continued on her path to her quarters.  _With tech, he's clearly good with hands with tech_ , she emphasized. She only stopped walking when he took notice of her and called her over, "Commander, do you have a minute?" Alenko asked.

Detouring over, she gave Alenko a nod, "I always make time for my officers." She actually was interested in giving him some time if he wanted to talk to her. It helped he was easy to talk to. Whenever he spoke, she found herself listening. He seemed to have a solid head on his shoulders but enough experience to temper his opinions.

But she was tired and she didn't trust herself to not slip up around him so she strove to make the conversation brief. The more she got to know the Lieutenant, and see him in action, the more she fond herself tempted to push the limits with the regs. He seemed interested in her as well but instead of encouraging her, it did the opposite.

Mutual interest spelled disaster and the regs were there for a reason. Still, she was finding it harder to not think about him in the downtime between missions.

Clearly something was eating at him, though, as he looked at her. "Off the record, I think there's something wrong here. This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction. But we can't get backup from the Council?" Alenko's tone conveyed his suspicions as well as his upset over the issue. "Sorry, Commander. There's writing on the wall here, but someone isn't reading it."

"The Council doesn't want to believe anything's wrong. I'd call it human nature, but…" she said, giving a slight one shoulder shrug. It was what it was and all they could do was do their duty and try to stop Saren while hoping to find enough evidence to gain the Council's trust and support.

"I hear ya. I…it just seems like a group that's been around as long as the Council should see this coming. I mean, it's funny," Alenko said, his brow knit with his feelings on the matter, "we finally get out here, and the final frontier was already settled. And the residents don't even seem impressed by the view. Or the dangers."

Shepard couldn't help but smile at that as she regarded him, "Well, well, you're a romantic. Did you sign on for 'the dream', Alenko? Secure man's future in space?" Her eyes twinkled with a hint of mischief but that didn't hinder the fact she was genuinely curious about his answer. She liked his perspective and she wanted to learn more.

He laughed slightly, a bit of shyness creeping in, "Yeah, yeah I read a lot of those books when I was a kid. Where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves. Or…" he hesitated a second as he looked at her, "…or, you know. For justice." His shyness faded away a bit as he continued, "Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning. But I thought about it after Brain Camp…" he paused, then sarcasm filled his tone "Ah, sorry, 'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training'."

He got serious then, his gaze intensifying as he talked, "I'm not looking for 'the dream'. I just want to do some good. See what's out here." He was clearly passionate about it and it reveal a new facet of him. She liked this side of him as much as any other side she'd seen. Suddenly the trace of shyness returned, "Sorry if got too informal. Protocol wasn't a big focus back in BAaT."

"Tell me about it," she inquired. She wanted to know more about him and where he came from. She wanted to learn what made Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko the man he was.

"'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance' didn't last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was 'Brain Camp'," he said though he stumbled a bit, "Sorry, 'hauled in' is unkind," his tone change to this formal tone, very official and clearly mocking the statement, "We were 'encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.'" He grew serious then, "There are worse results of 'accidental' exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with."

Her brow furrowed a bit, "Is there some question about how you were exposed?" she asked. As a biotic herself she knew the rumors surrounding those like her. The official line was biotics were accidentally exposed in the womb, as Alenko had said, but others wondered once the effects were discovered if there were cases of intentional exposure. She was a biotic because of her mother's exposure during a mission early in her pregnancy. She hadn't known she was pregnant going into the mission but because of it, Shepard knew her exposure was definitely accidental.

Kaidan shook his head, "My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics. A little after the discovery of the Martian ruins. It only gets iffy around '63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they'd relied on accidentals. Bunch of guys show up at your door after school. Next think you know, you're out on Jump Zero."

"Do you know of any intentional exposures for certain?" she asked. She had always been curious about the rumors but it seemed Kaidan knew more about it than she did.

"No one 'knows'. Doesn't mean they didn't happen. As big as the exposures were, it was hard to track down accidentals. It was different then. No one knew the potential, so there wasn't a lot of regulation. Anything Conatix did was gold," though he quickly added on to that statement. "I'm not saying they intentionally detonated drives over our outposts. But in retrospect, they were damn quick on the scene." The answer didn't surprise her.

"There were other kids in the same boat, right? At least you weren't alone out there."

"That's true. We did have a little circle that'd get together every night before lights-out. We didn't have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks," he said. It was clear he still found it annoying.

"Then you must've had plenty of time to get to know each other," she said. She remembered her own class. They'd been a small enough group that they had grown close. She still was in touch with a lot of them from those days though everyone went their own ways, mostly in the Alliance, after high school.

"Yeah," Kaidan said nostalgically, "We'd sit around and bull every night after dinner. Play cards or network games. There was this girl named Rahna who had a little circle grow up around her. She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it." It was clear Alenko had cared for her by the way he spoke of her and the wistful look that washed over his face.

He looked at her then with an intense expression, the wistfulness gone, "Like you, I guess," he said, holding her gaze for a long moment. A moment later, he added, "Ma'am." It felt like he could see right through her with the way he looked at her. Everything was open to him and she knew she was in trouble. In that moment, he made it so she didn't care that she was in trouble.

"Sounds like she was special to you," Shepard said, unable to look away though the intensity of the gaze softened.

"She was…" he shrugged slightly, "Maybe she felt the same, but…things never fell together. Training. You know." To that, Shepard could only nod.

"'Jump Zero' is Gagarin Station, right? What's it like?" she asked. She needed to get away from the line of conversation that made him look at her like he had.

She'd never been out to Jump Zero so it was a perfect opportunity to learn more. As soon as she had been identified as a biotic, the Alliance began working with her themselves. She remembered her parents talking late one night about something happening that caused the program out at Jump Zero to loose its prestige. It was too hot of a political situation, she'd heard her father say, and that was why she received her training directly at the hands of a small Alliance-based program with her high school.

"Yeah, that's the official name. Biggest and farthest facilitiy we had for decades. Right on the termination shock, the outer edge of the solar system. It's where they did all the 'goose chase' FTL research. Before we caught on to using mass effect fields," he noted. "It was a sterile research platform when I was there."

"Jump Zero's a long way from home. What was it like?" she asked. She shifted her stance a bit but didn't break eye contact. She was interested and it reflected in her body language.

"The grand gateway to humanity looks a lot better in the vids," he said sarcastically, then shook his head, "Anyway. This was supposed to be a casual debrief, not a bull session about stuff that happened years ago." He shifted his own stance, his hands going to rest behind his back a bit more formally but still at-ease.

"I wanted to get to know you a little better, that's all," she confessed with a small smile, "Thanks for the talk, Kaidan." It was the first time she'd called him by his first name and it surprised her as much as him when it slipped out. It was so easy and natural, it'd taken a moment to realize it had.

"Well, you're welcome, ma'am. You, uh…" he hesitated a moment. His voice dropped so slightly it was almost unnoticeable as the intensity of his gaze turned back up, "…make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?" he asked. Kaidan watched her, gauging her reaction. He felt like he was going out on a limb he worried couldn't hold him and he found himself holding his breath as he waiting for her to reply.

Before she could stop herself, the bold route jump out from her lips, "No. No, I don't. We'll talk again later." Still, she didn't break contact. Instead she held it firm, letting the unspoken linger around the spoken words.

"I'll, uh…" he stumbled a bit, surprised by her statement, "I'll need some time to process that, Commander." For a moment, Shepard wondered if she'd misread the situation or had been too bold, despite knowing she should have never been bold in the first place. He continued though, "But…yeah. I'd like that."

The sincerity of his words came through loud and clear as she gave a small smile and a nod, then chose to change the subject. It was a thin line they were treading and she had no intention of falling off. Instead she asked him about his thoughts on the mission.

"Dr. T'Soni?" he asked, "She seems nice enough. I mean, if you like the bookish sort."

Suddenly the thin line became a lot thinner, but Shepard couldn't resist, "Any intentions there, Lieutenant?" she asked, teasing alighting in her eyes to cover the base of what she was asking. It didn't work.

"None, Commander," he said candidly, not looking away from her, "I prefer adventurous women."

With a small smile, she left it at that and gave him a nod then dismissed herself to her quarters. The line was way to thin but as the doors slid open, she realized she was getting more okay with it.


	6. Akuze

"Hey there, Commander," Lieutenant Alenko's voice broke Shepard from her concentration. She'd been trying to read one of the many reports she had to keep up on now that she was the Commanding Officer of the Normandy but her mind kept trailing off to Lieutenant Zabaleta. She hoped he would get the help he needed from the VOA. They'd helped her a great deal after what happened on Akuze. She hoped he'd find the same help.

She felt bad for the veteran. To have seen what he did with the batarian slavers and not be able to do anything about it was something that could mess up any marine. It touched closer to home, though, knowing he served with her mother. She heard the concern in her mother's voice when she'd called her. Shepard always knew that crew was a close one and she couldn't imagine any one of her own crew members having to go through what Zabaleta did. She knew all too well what it was like to have horrors trapped in her head on repeat. She didn't wish it on anyone.

Looking up from her data pad, she looked at Kaidan, lowering the bite of food she'd just been lifting to her mouth. It was late and she'd been too busy writing reports and reviewing the crew's that she hadn't eaten so she'd taken to the mess to grab a quick bite while she worked. She hadn't expected anyone but the skeleton night crew to be up.

"Lieutenant, what are you doing up so late? Couldn't sleep?" she asked, canting her head to the side. She lowered her data pad and gestured to the seat across from her. She welcomed the distraction, from both her thoughts and the reports. Especially when that distraction was Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, dangerous as admitting that even to herself was.

"No. Too busy thinking about that Lieutenant on the Citadel, the one your mother served with. What he saw…" he shook his head and sighed, "I can't imagine having to see what he saw and not be able to do anything about it." He took the seat across from her when she offered it.

Shepard dropped her gaze and looked down at her tray of food, pushing some of it with her fork. "I can't imagine seeing what he saw but I can know what it's like to feel helpless," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. Memories of Akuze and her unit being slaughtered reviving in her head. "To want to do everything you can to stop the horrors in front of you yet being powerless to stop it."

Kaidan looked at her, watched the emotions move across her gaze as she stared down at her food. Her face registered none of the emotions but her gaze didn't lie. She spoke from experience. Experience that still haunted her, try as she did to hide it.

Blinking, she sat up a bit straighter and her tone grew stronger and more conversational, "The fact Lieutenant Zabaleta has survived this long to get help is a good sign. It bodes well for him. I think he's going to be fine." It was a clear deflection off of her and her thoughts on Akuze so Kaidan let it go.

He wanted to help. He wanted to find a way to make the pain go away and bring back that bright smile she'd worn in the Mako as they tore across the planet's surface. It wasn't his place though. If she confided in him, he would happily be her confidant but it wasn't for him to pry into her personal life. They weren't that close. If they followed regs, they would never be that close. They couldn't be. "I think he'll be fine. The VOA is a good group from what I hear, not just chemical pushers like he seemed to think," Kaidan said, folding his hands on top of the table.

"They are a good group. They do whatever is needed to help bring a soldier back. I'm glad my mother suggested it," Shepard said. Again, by her tone, Kaidan wondered if she spoke from experience. Nothing he had ever seen about her had suggested any kind of stay at the VOA. It didn't bother him in the least if she had spent time there but it made him curious as to where her confidence in them came from.

"Your mother seems to care a great deal about what happens to him. She seems like a very capable, empathic leader. The apple didn't fall far from that tree," Kaidan complimented as he watched her. The corner of his lips was quirked up into a small smile. He just sat there, watching her as if he could do it for the rest of his life. She was beautiful, even sitting there staring at the slop that passed for food on the Normandy.

Shepard looked up from her tray and smiled to Kaidan. It was a warm smile that completely entranced him. It set a firm resolve deep inside him to want to always do what he could to bring it out. "I hope to be half the leader my mother is, someday. She's a wonderful woman and an exceptional soldier. The Alliance is lucky to have her," Shepard responded with pride.

"We're lucky to have you, Commander," Kaidan emphasized, nodding in her direction. He knew he was being borderline bold but he convinced himself he was just saying what any crewmember under her command would say. She was an exceptional leader and the Alliance was lucky to have her.

"It was good talking to my mother. I haven't spoken with her in a few months, since before my posting to the Normandy. She seems to be doing well. No doubt helping keep the Kilimanjaro whipped into shape. The Captain says she's the best damned XO he's ever had and I can believe it. She might be a severe woman to those she commands but she gets the job done," Shepard said, changing the subject away from herself.

Kaidan chuckled, "Again, apple and tree, Commander."

Shepard smirked. Then their eyes met and suddenly it became impossible to look away. He drew her in like nothing she'd ever known. It startled her, how strongly she wanted to be around him. She wanted to learn more about him, find out what drove him. She relied on his steady presence and quickly she had found there was no one else she'd rather have covering her back in a fire fight. She knew it was dangerous. She knew the rules about fraternization were there for exactly that reason.

Kaidan was locked into the gaze as much as she was. He wanted to delve into the emerald depths and bring out the light in them. He wanted to know her in ways he hadn't wanted to know someone in a very long time. He didn't know what it was but something in the moment changed and suddenly it felt right for him to ask about what happened. He steeled himself as he boldly asked, "What happened on Akuze?"

She blinked, surprised by his words. She hadn't expected that question to come out of his mouth. Her natural instinct to avoid talking about rose quickly inside her but just as she was about to dismiss the question, something changed inside her. Looking into his eyes, she felt a security, as if he was someone she could talk to about what happened. Taking a deep breath, she broke from his gaze and looked back at her plate.

"The Alliance had lost contact with the pioneer team that'd set on Akuze working on the early stages of colonization. My unit was the one called up to investigate. When we got there, it was…" Shepard searched for the words, "there was no one. Everything was there, nothing had been taken or disturbed. The people were just…gone. We did a full sweep of the area and couldn't find any signs of anything we recognized of what could have gone wrong.

"We secured the area and bunked down for the night. The rumbling was felt before we heard them. I was one of the one's on watch. The grounded rolled and shook like an earthquake a split second before the roar tore through the air. We had set up a few camps all around each other and it was like the damn things knew exactly where to hit. They came up and out of the ground right in the center of the camps."

Shepard stared at her food but she wasn't seeing it. She was seeing the attack on Akuze as if it were happening in front of her eyes again, "So much chaos and death. We rallied fast and tried to take out as many as we could. Clips after clips were emptied as more of my unit was destroyed. I threw everything I had at them and still they kept attacking. Our CO and XO were dead and suddenly I was the one in charge.

"I called for retreat, told everyone to get the hell out of there but it was too late. We were so few by then that as soon as one of us ran, the maws would go after them. I remember running to an ensign, kid couldn't have been more than a week shy of nineteen. He'd been the furthest out from the group but he was a bright kid. He'd made his way further from us going for the heavy weapons. And I knew, I just knew, if I got to him we'd make it." Shepard swallowed as she closed her eyes.

Kaidan listened, watching in silence. So much pain wrote their lines into her face. He fought the urge to go to her, to take her in his arms and give her a safe haven to get through the memories.

Shepard continued trying to steel her voice as she took a deep breath, "I remember seeing his body fly through the air as the thresher maw reached him. The next thing I knew, something was hitting me in the chest as I went flying, then…nothing. I thought I'd died. Blackness took me. When I woke, the maws were gone but I could still feel them in the area. You don't forget the ground moving that way. The bodies of my unit were scattered everywhere.

"The communications hub had been destroyed in the attack. I knew the maws would be back. I searched for survivors. Found Ensign Travers barely hanging on, that kid I'd be rushing to get to. I'd been wounded pretty bad myself but all I remember thinking was that I had to get him home. He was too young to die. So I fought to get to the landing zone, Travers on my back. Took us two days to make it back. He didn't survive," she let out a heavy breath.

"After that, well, you know the rest. Alliance picked me up, took me back to Arcturus. They slapped a medal on me and called me a hero. Never much felt like one." She opened her eyes and slowly brought them up to his. She had expected to see in his eyes what she always saw when people heard about Akuze: pity. She hated being pitied. It was almost worse than living with the memories. Yet as her eyes met his, she saw something she'd never expected.

She saw acceptance and a look of understanding, if she could call it that. She knew there was no way to understand what she'd gone through without going through it but the way he looked at her made her feel like he understood how she felt. He didn't pity her or want to fix her. He accepted her and the memories of what she lived with.

"You know you did everything you could, right?" Kaidan asked, "You're a survivor and you did everything you could to make sure the other survivor made it out alive."

"It took me a long time to realize that," Shepard said as she held his gaze. Once more, she found herself unable to look away as she stared into their amber depths. She thought she'd feel…something…after telling him about Akuze, that she'd feel uncomfortable for sharing what she'd only shared to counselors in the past. Looking at him, instead she felt secure. Like her memories and their secrets were safe with him.

Kaidan lost himself in her emerald depths once more. Every day he learned more about the Commander of the Normandy. She was a complex woman with an even more complex past but each time he learned something knew about her, he found himself drawn more to her. He doubted there was anything she could ever do that he wouldn't embrace. She was the strongest woman he knew and the hardest marine he'd ever met.

As the gaze lingered on, Shepard tried to think of anything to change the subject. Finally she broke the eye contact as she looked down at her food, pushing at it as silence enshrouded them. She'd gotten lost in his eyes and she hadn't wanted to leave. She'd wanted to sink deeper into them and find refuge in what they held. She'd wanted his arms around her and his lips on hers. It'd shaken her.

She needed to not let what just happened happen again. She couldn't be near him without getting closer. She had to distance herself but she knew it would be hard. He was the best damned soldier she had on her crew and with the fight against Saren, she needed him with her on the missions. Though she knew how to keep her personal feelings out of her leadership on missions, she knew the path they were going on was a dangerous one. She was resolved to do everything she could outside of missions to keep him at arms length.

So then why, she thought to herself, are you still sitting here instead of excusing yourself and getting back to work? And why, earlier, did you let yourself be so bold and forward about your interest in him?

She didn't know the answers to either of those questions. Slipping her most official 'Commander' style of smiles onto her lips, she reached for her data pad and picked up her tray as she rose. "Thanks for listening. I appreciate it," she said sincerely, "But its getting late and I still have a number of reports to get through. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night, Lieutenant Alenko," she said.

Kaidan had barely had time to stand to wish her goodnight before she was gone, the door to her quarters sliding shut.


	7. Cutting Corners

Shepard sat at her desk in her quarters wracking her head over the report she was writing. They'd taken a detour as a personal request for Rear Admiral Kahoku. It hadn't gone well. Though they managed to clear out the Cerberus bases the Admiral had eluded to, they hadn't made it in time to the main Cerberus facility. Cerberus had found the Admiral and when Shepard and her team found him, he was dead.

It ate at her and riled her anger at Cerberus. They claimed they were an organization for the advancement of humans but the horrors she saw of their experiments was something else. She couldn't understand, and likely never would, how experiments like that were for the betterment of the human race. If anything, they were destroying what humanity stood for as each experiment pervert the very notion of what it mean to be human. To her, Cerberus was the worst kind of terrorist organization.

The door to her quarters beeped, denoting someone was asking for entrance. "Its open," she called and a moment later the doors obeyed. Looking up from her desk, she saw Lieutenant Alenko walk in. He had been on the team with her who'd found the Rear Admiral and she could see it was on his mind as much as it was on hers.

"Do you have some time to talk, Commander?" Kaidan asked as entered the room. He'd been doing a lot of thinking. It took him time to get up the nerve to come talked to her but she had always pressed that she wanted to know the thoughts of her officers. He respect that about her. She valued their opinions and took them into account when making her decisions. With what happened with Cerberus, he wanted to share with her his thoughts on it.

"Of course. Have a seat," she said, gesturing to the small table set closer to the entrance. She stood up, walking over and taking a seat there herself. Alenko nodded and joined her. Something was on his mind and she was curious to find out what.

"We've played it pretty close to the book so far. But we're a long way from backup. We've got some tough calls to make," he said as he looked across the table at her. "I'm just saying…try to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do to someone. And I'd hate to have that happen to you, Shepard."

She blinked at his casual use of her name instead of her rank but there was no denying she liked the way it sounded on his lips. As if realizing what he did, he quickly corrected himself, "Commander."

"That's not the appropriate way to address your commanding officer, Lieutenant," she chided in a good natured way with a hint of teasing. She liked that he'd called her by her name and it was hard to not show just how much.

"Sorry, ma'am. Maybe I got a bad signal. I mean if you're a…" he hesitated, taking a breath. "Maybe there's someone else you'd rather confide in. Ma'am."

Shepard was a bit taken aback by this. Someone else? Her mind tried to work around what he could be talking about and whom. All bets were off now. Shepard the woman, and not her Commander side, was curious. She had to know who he was talking about. As far as she knew, he was the only one she wanted to confide in.

When she realized that thought, it stalled her thoughts a moment. She couldn't deny the truth of it. He had always been the one she'd sought out first for his input, on the mission and the crew, but she'd always chalked that up to valuing his open mind and ability to look at everything from multiple angles. She knew, then, that wasn't the whole of it. She trusted him and valued him more than just for his opinion or his capabilities as a marine.

She valued him as a man, one whom had caught her interest. A man whom she couldn't wait to seek out and be near. There was a draw to him, a pull that tugged at a part of her she'd thought she'd locked away from him - a part she knew she needed to lock away.

She mentally shook her head and filed such thoughts away to figure out later, her curiosity getting the better of her, "Alright, Alenko. Off the record, permission to speak candidly, cross my heart and hope to die. What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Uh, Dr. T'Soni. Ma'am," Kaidan replied. He was clearly trying to be tactful but a guarded emotion darted across his gaze that caught her attention. "There's a lower-deck rumor that she's, uh, interested in you. As more than a source of Prothean data." This was news to Shepard. Kaidan continued, "She's a very interesting lady. Not to my, uh, tastes. But I never claimed to be big on alien culture."

As much as the Commander in her wanted to stay as far away from Kaidan as possible, the fraternization regs always there in her mind, Shepard couldn't help but take the opportunity to pry out a bit more intel about what his side of this thin line they walked upon was, "You seem awfully worried about my personal affairs." She tried hard to make her words as official and severe as possible but it was no use. Instead, they came out light and teasing as she gave a small smile. It was in that instance she knew she'd lost the battle between her head and her heart where Kaidan was concerned.

"It's just that…" he hesitated a moment. Now was the make or break moment. Kaidan knew he shouldn't but he cared about the Commander and regulations or not, with what they were going into tracking down Saren, he didn't want to pass up an opportunity. He didn't want to keep his feelings locked away like he'd done with Rahna until it'd been too late. He needed her to know what he felt so, one way or another, they could move past it. He knew he would hurt if she rejected him, but he'd understand too. To say the realities if they were to be together were complicated was a gross understatement.

"We don't have much downtime these days," Kaidan continued, trying to hold onto the courage he'd built up, "And I like being around you. But I…I don't want to take up your personal time." Not as eloquent as he had planned. He was too worried being careful, always leaving a way out. He hoped she knew what he was trying to say but, try as he might, he couldn't bring himself to say more. Already he felt like his heart was on his sleeve as he watched her and waited for her reaction.

Shepard could see he was serious. Not just about the conversation but about her and it made her heart beat faster. There was the mission and duty and then there was her personal life. She'd always managed to keep them very separate. She knew she had the strength continue to keep them separate, no matter what, but she also knew how she was feeling with Kaidan.

He made her feel safe and secure yet alive. He encouraged her, supported her and always had her back. Suddenly, the teasing left her tone, "Look, there's nothing between Liara and me. What's the real issue here, Kaidan?" she reassured him. Regulations or not, she felt she owed it to herself to see what this could be. She knew the battle had been lost for her but a vulnerability crept into her as she waited to hear his response. She'd never felt this kind of vulnerability before and it scared her.

Shepard had given everything to the Alliance: her childhood, her parents, her squad on Akuze and her future. She'd paid the price and made the sacrifices, as she always would. But for the first time, as she looked across the table at Kaidan, she wanted more. She wanted to be more than a soldier. She wanted to be something special to someone and have someone special in her life. Kaidan Alenko was easy to see filling that role, not because he was simply there but because of the man he was. He complimented who she was and supported her in ways she couldn't begin to find words to explain.

Kaidan felt a relief at her words as a bud of hope sprang in his chest. Maybe he did have a chance but her question brought him back to the reason he'd come to her. "You're right. Sorry. It wasn't – Liara's not my main concern," he took a deep breath, "I'm not questioning any decision you've made, Shepard. Let me be clear about that." He supported her and always did, even when he disagreed. He wanted her to know that, but what happened with Cerberus had gotten him thinking and he wanted to advise her if he could, "It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?"

"Talk to me, Kaidan. You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head," Shepard said with a small smile. It took her a moment to realize that this was the first time she'd called him by his first name and it sent a thrill through her, and an alarm. How easy it had fallen from her lips. It'd felt right and natural.

He smirked, noticing also she'd used his first name. He liked the way it sounded on her lips. Suddenly he imagined, for a moment, his name tumbling from her lips in pleasure. He cleared his throat as he pushed that thought from his mind, giving a shy smile, "I'll try to keep the deck dry." Still, the way she had said his name continued to ring in his ears. It had been as if her lips had been shaped solely to speak his name.

Kaidan continued, "You know the records about the biotic training out on Jump Zero? They're all classified. Because the Alliance made mistakes. After first contact, Conatix was set up to track element zero exposures and develop implants for humans. Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in 'experts' instead of taking it slow."

Shepard suspected he was mentioning all this because of Cerberus. She canted her head to the side, "Is there some reason we couldn't learn it on our own?" She'd heard of the Alliance reaching out and contracting with the private sector but she never knew the details of it. She hadn't needed to. Her program had remained Alliance-based on an Alliance station in an Alliance school.

"They didn't know where to start. Hell, it took a couple years to even link biotics and eezo," he adjusted in his seat, getting more comfortable, "Forget trying to get the kids to move stuff. They had trouble just helping them not break their own limbs. And their choice of teachers didn't help much."

Shepard couldn't disagree with this. Even though her class had been one held when the Alliance had a bit more experience with biotics, she remembered some of the accidents that happened. "The only experts would have to be aliens," she said.

"Dead on. Turians, actually. That's why Conatix kept it secret. They were afraid of what people back home would think. Asking the turians for help when we'd just fought a war with them," he said, folding his hands on top of the table as he leaned forward.

"The asari would have been more acceptable than the turians," Shepard considered. She, herself, had had an asari helping to teach her program. She couldn't understand why they wouldn't have brought in the same for Jump Zero.

Kaidan nodded, "Yes, but the company didn't go through the Citadel. It would have made Earth look weak. So they discreetly hired some turian mercenaries."

Shepard was amazed how a few years had made such a difference. Though her class was the first established in an Alliance high-school, the arrangement with the asari seemed to be a good one. She couldn't remember anything but kind, yet firm, guidance from the matron who'd help teach them. "Get your knuckles rapped a few times, Lieutenant?" she asked with an teasing grin, trying to imagine self-contained Alenko causing enough ruckus to get into trouble. He was the model marine and an exceptional officer.

"Yeah, you could say that. Our instructor was a turian by the name of Commander Vyrnnus," but the way he said it took the teasing right out of her. Clearly the instructor hadn't been a good one and the emotions Kaidan felt towards the turian were ones she could see ran deep. "To introduce himself, he liked to say, 'I was at the helm of the dreadnaught that killed your father.' I told him my dad wasn't in the war. He'd retired to Vancouver. My family had an inland home that matured to new beachfront.

"Vyrnnus had it in for me after that. He cut corners, pushed hard. I mean, you either came out a superman or a wreck. And a lot of kids snapped. A few died," his voice dropped at that. Losing people was never easy, but losing them when you were a kid was worse, "The point of all this...I guess...is that when you cut corners, it's not always obvious who pays for it."

"So why are you telling me this? Are you saying that I'm cutting corners somewhere?" she asked, her brow furrowing slightly. She wasn't upset at the inference, or the fact he was implying it. She valued the truth and never wanted anything less from those opinion she sought out, especially when those opinion came from Kaidan.

Kaidan shook his head then gave a slight shrug, "I'm saying – it's probably inevitable that we'll have to. And when that happens, I want to help you. I'm thirty-two, Shepard. You don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself. You also learn that if someone is special to you, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes."

His candidness surprised her and brought a warm look to her gaze as she smiled, "Special, huh?"

"If I'm out of line, just say the word."

His gaze was intense as he looked at her. His heart was on his sleeve and it was up to her to reject it or accept it. She knew she didn't want to reject it but she couldn't fully accept it either, no matter how much she wanted to - and she definitely wanted to. She wanted to throw regulations out the window and embrace figuring out whatever it was that was between them. "You're not out of line, Kaidan. But there are regs," she reminded him, hoping he could see that she wasn't rejecting his feelings. That was the last thing she wanted to do.

Kaidan nodded, a relief washing over him. It wasn't a rejection but it wasn't full acceptance either. He understood it and he accepted it. He could live with her response because it gave him hope, "I get you, Shepard. I don't make a habit of complicating the chain of command. Just think about what I said." He rose from the his seat and she followed him with her gaze.

She gave a small nod. He'd given her a lot to think about and there was even more of her own thoughts she needed to sift through and figure out. "We'll talk later, Kaidan," she said with the warm smile still playing on her lips.

"I'd like that," he said, his voice heavy with sincerity as he gave her a nod then left her quarters.

She returned to her report, try to push the conversation from her mind, but as soon as the report was done and she laid in bed trying to sleep, it returned. She couldn't stop thinking about it, and playing it over in her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about Kaidan.

And she didn't want to.


	8. Debriefing

The vid com clicked off as Shepard let out a breath, exhaustion dropping her head as she stretched her neck muscles. she hating reporting to the Council but they'd needed to know what happened on Feros with the Thorian. For Shepard, it wasn't just the Council that drained her. Her head swam with new addition of the Cipher. She didn't understand the visions any more than she had previously but somehow there was a security there. A promise that let her know she had the building blocks to understand, just not all the data.

Rubbing her hand over her face, she took a deep breath. Turning around, she saw Kaidan had lingered after the crew debrief. Something was clearly on his mind. He sat there with his head bowed but turned, watching her. "What's your opinion of the last mission?" she asked as she walked closer to him. He'd not spoken up much during the debriefing.

"I'm glad there aren't many aliens like the Thorian. I don't think my stomach could take it," he admitted and she knew exactly what he meant. She was glad of it too and hoped she never had to see another alien like it again. "One of my cousins has an agribusiness. I was thinking of calling him. Maybe get a few shipments into Feros. I mean, now that they're cut off from the company."

"You're always looking out for other people. You're a good man."

Kaidan gave a small smile but then dropped it as his gaze grew serious, "We haven't had time together since our last chat and…a lot was said. When we talked."

He seemed hesitant and unsure. She wondered what had changed, especially since he'd been so direct about how he felt when they last spoke. "You seemed decisive then, Lieutenant. Why so hesitant now?" she asked, trying to bring back that smile of his with a teasing tone to her voice. She didn't know what it was about him that made her feel free enough to tease like that but she liked it. It was a side of her that didn't get to come to the surface often and the more glimpses it got, the less it wanted to be shoved back down and locked away behind her Commander persona. At least with Kaidan, it was easy to bring it out.

"I don't want to distract you too much. The deeper we get into this mess, the bigger it seems," Kaidan said honestly then gave a slight shoulder shrug, "I'm just looking for an ear. The debriefing wasn't the right place to say how ridiculous this is. Seems like every other race in the galaxy is wrapped up in their own problems. They don't want to see what's coming."

Ah, there was the core of the furrow in his brow. She felt the same way and couldn't argue or fault him for feeling what he did, "Wanting to believe everything will be fine? Sounds like human nature to me."

"Yeah," he said with an understanding tone, "I guess some things carry across species well enough. I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus."

"I'd think you'd carry a grudge over the crap you took from Vyrnnus," Shepard said, studying his expressions and how he held himself.

"Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much as any other civilian. Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do. I mean, it's only be 26 years since first contact. That's not a lot of time to understand them." Once again Shepard was surprised at his open-minded views and admired him for them. There were others with not such an understand opinion, a handful of them serving on her crew. "It was Vyrnus who made me see how human aliens are. They're not different or special. They're jerks and saints just like us. Hell, by the time I got payback, I didn't even want it anymore."

Something passed over Kaidan's gaze when he said the last part that worried Shepard. Something had happened there, "I don't see you snapping very easily. What finally did it?"

Kaidan took a deep breath and looked down to the floor, his hands clasped together while his forearms rested on his knees. "He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn't know what I was going to do…just something," he paused, the weight of his next words weighing heavily on him, "And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the stone age."

Shepard listened intently, leaning back against the console as she braced her palms on the frame. "That's when the knife came up," Kaidan continued, "A military-issue talon. Right in my face. I cut loose. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that's something." It was something. Shepard knew Kaidan was a damn powerful biotic but to have had that kind of power even back then was more than impressive.

By the haunted look on his face though, a look she knew all too well had graced her expressions from time to time, she knew he wasn't impressed. He regretted it. "You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That's a noble thing," Shepard tried to reassure him.

"Maybe my intentions were noble. But I lost control," Kaiden looked up then, pain and regret in his eyes, "I killed him, Shepard." He sighed, "Snapped his neck. They probably could've saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn't. Caused a stir when they shipped him home. BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later."

So that was what happened. Shepard remembered her parents had talked about something happening and why she'd been kept from the program. Small world. "It's funny," Kaidan continued, "I'm not sure which of us got the worst of what happened."

Concerned, Shepard asked, "Was Rahna alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah, she was fine. We never really, uh..." he took a breath, "We stopped talking after that."

"Tell me what happened," she urged, pushing off the console and moving closer to him. She could see how much this troubled him. It still affected him even all these years later.

"Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. Everyone who..." he sighed, "E-Everyone who loved her. But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too." Kaidan shook his head and put the memories aside. He didn't want to think about Rahna, especially not when Shepard was there. "Anyway, this is, um…" he continued, as he stood up from his seat to face her, "I had a point here. Aliens are individuals. Just because one's an ass doesn't mean they all are. So yeah, I hated that turian. But he wasn't 'a turian' to me. He was Vyrnnus."

Shepard's voice grew softer, more knowing in her observance, "So that's why you're so self-controlled." Her eyes searched his, gauging him and how he was holding up after sharing something so personal with her. They'd both shared an intimate and painful part of their past with each other. Shepard thought it would have made things awkward but it was the opposite. It felt good - right - to have shared what happened on Akuze with him and it seemed, by the way his shoulders dropped their tension, he felt the same way.

"I'm no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard. This is all ancient history. I'm over it."

She didn't buy it. "You agonize over doing the right thing. You never let yourself lose control. Because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died," Shepard observed, the pieces of what kind of person Kaidan was falling more into place. Even as they did so, there wasn't a part of him she didn't accept or find appealing.

"All right. Maybe you have a point. Maybe. But I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me. Fully functional human being. I won't be a burden on you," his eyes searched hers then he corrected himself, always trying to be proper and guarded, "on the crew." At least now, his guarded nature with her made more sense. Sure the regulations held their weight but now she knew it wasn't the whole picture.

Shepard took another step forward, bringing herself to stand directly in front of him. They were close as she looked up into his eyes. As close as she was, she could see the gold flecks that wove through his rich amber eyes, darkened by the heavy emotions he'd just confessed. Her own gaze was soft and tender as she delved into the depths of his. "You're not a burden, Kaidan, you're a strong man. Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner, and it doesn't make you immature. It makes you human."

He smirked shyly, "All right. But it's embarrassing you had to tell me that. You're right. I might need to loosen up." He chuckled, "A little. I'll try." His gaze changed then, growing warm and a bit bolder, "Glad you'll be here when it's over, Shepard. I'm, uh…I'm looking forward to some shore leave."

"So am I," she said, giving him a small smile. Between those words and the look that passed between them, she knew the fine line they'd been walking was had ceased to exist. Just his closeness stirred feelings and sensations within her that she couldn't begin to find words to. They'd both bared themselves in ways neither had opened up to anyone else and it felt right.

Kaidan's amber gaze dropped from hers to her lips. They were soft and full and suddenly he found himself drawing a step closer to her until their bodies barely touched each other. His hand slowly came up as he brushed his knuckles across her cheek tenderly, his eyes dragging back up to look into her depths. He wanted to lose himself in that gaze and those lips that beckoned him.

Kiara found herself leaning into his touch, her lips parting slightly. The pull with him was agonizingly strong and all of her well developed control was crumbling away with each second he remained close to her. There was no going back, she knew that now. She found she okay with it, more than okay. She wanted this. She wanted him. Wherever it led them.

Slowly the pull drew them closer as Kaidan's head slowly began to drop towards hers, his lips lowering to hers. She let out a soft breath just as she raised her lips to meet his.

"Commander, Garrus here. You might want to come down here. Wrex and Chief Williams are getting into a…heated argument," the turian's voice came in over the comm. The sounds of shouting loud in the background.

Both Shepard and Kaidan's stilled, their lips barely a breath away from touching as she sighed and closed her eyes. He closed his eyes too as he dropped his hand from her cheek and took a step back. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll be right there," she said back to Garrus and the comm line clicked off.

She looked to Kaidan with a shy smile then headed towards the doors. With every step she could feel his gaze on hers and she knew exactly where he was, almost like an invisible tether joined them. She tried everything to slow the racing of her heart as she made her way out of the communications rooms. down the stairs and to the elevator. She ached for that kiss and though she gave her best over the next hour in diffusing the situation between Ash and the Krogan, Kaidan was never far from her mind.

That thin line was most definitely gone.


	9. The Right Choice

Shepard rubbed her face with one hand before combing it up through her hair. Had she made the right decision? Heading down the steps to the crew deck, she thought of the last mission and all it had entailed. The Rachni Queen. Liara's mother. She wondered how Liara was doing with the news but she held off going to see her. She needed time to grieve. Besides, it was late and Shepard knew she'd get the chance to talk to her in the morning.

For the moment, Shepard wanted nothing more than to finish up her report, have a nice cup of tea and hit the sack. She doubted her mind would be kind though. As it always did after a mission, her brain ran through it all over and over: every shot; every step. Every command decision.

Was releasing the Rachni Queen a wise choice? Shepard couldn't honestly say. She had to trust the words of the Queen and hope the future would be different. The only thing she knew was that she couldn't be responsible for wiping out the last of an entire race, especially one that seemed determined to grow from the errors of the past. There had been something genuine in the way the Queen had spoken to her so Shepard followed her instincts. She only hoped her instincts weren't wrong.

Shepard rubbed her temple as she rounded the corner of the elevator on her way to her quarters and bumped into someone. "Oh, Commander," Kaidan said, reaching up without thinking to steady her. His hand held her arm firmly as she looked to him, startled but pleased it was him she'd run into.

"Kaidan," she said, "heading to hit the hay?"

"I already tried that. Can't sleep. You?" he asked, looking into her eyes. She looked tired and worn but with the day they had, he wasn't surprised. A lot had happened, not just with this mission but since Eden Prime. It was part of what made trying to sleep so hard but it wasn't the whole of it. The woman standing in front of him, on the other hand, was a significant reason for it. Even just his hand on her arm as it was then tugged at him, flaring a need within him to pull her against him.

That moment in the comm room, when Kaidan had been so close to kissing her, burned into his memory. He couldn't stop thinking about it - or her. The way her lips had parted and her gaze had flared to life, mirroring the desire he felt for her. The soft way she had leaned into his caress on her cheek. He could recall every second of that encounter and it only served to draw him more to her. Suddenly her voice pulled him from his thoughts.

"Heading that way as soon as I get my report finished. Maybe have a cup of tea to wind down," she said, realizing his hand was still holding her arm. It was a much gentler hold now but it sent an electric pulse through her and caused her heart to race. That happened whenever he was near and it had only gotten worse since they'd almost kissed in the communications room.

"I could join you if you like," he offered, "after you do the reports, of course." As if realizing his hand was still on her arm, he dropped it, taking a half step back to get a more professional distance between them. It took everything he had to take that step, everything in him fighting the urge to want to be close to her.

She regarded him for a long moment then gave a small smile, "I'd like that. The report can wait. Shall we?" she gestured to the mess. She saw the way he looked at her and it sent a shiver down her spine. She knew that look because she felt it too. There was no denying the chemistry building between them.

Kaidan gave a nod and together they made their way to the table after getting a cup of peppermint tea for her and a cup of black coffee for him. When she quirked her brow at the choice of having caffeine so late, he shrugged, "It helps me sleep. Don't know why."

Shepard smiled and sat down. Once settled, she brought the cup to her lips and took a sip. It was the perfect temperature and the taste and smell of the peppermint calmed her. Kaidan took a spot across from her. "If I may, Commander, is everything alright?" he inquired, his look intense with a crease of worry on the lines of his face.

"Just thinking about Noveria. Thinking about Liara and her mother. Wondering if I made the right call releasing the Rachni Queen," she admitted. She hadn't expected the reply that came from her lips, instead expecting to shoot out her usual response to personal inquiries like that. The truth had come so easily to her when he asked, it alarmed her. She normally kept her personal thoughts, especially about missions, to herself. She considered him a moment, "Any opinion on the Rachni?"

"Off the record?" Kaidan asked after taking a drink of his coffee, "If we'd had the option, I'd as soon have left it to the Council. We weren't out here during the rachni war. I'm not sure we have business getting involved."

Shepard nodded, looking down at her mug. He couldn't be more right. She had wished she'd have had the choice of leaving it to the Council, as well, but she hadn't. It had been up to her and she chose to save her. Shepard sighed and took a sip of her tea. At least the Council wasn't cross about it, though they hadn't been happy.

"As for the rest of the mission," he continued, sensing she needed to get away from the Rachni topic, "Killing Saren's – What was Benezia, anyway? Second-in-command? Advisor?" He shook his head, "Anyway, it should set him back a bit." His voice grew soft then, taking on a caring and compassionate tone, "I'm sure Dr. T'Soni's hurting, though. Poor kid. Having to kill her own mom."

She nodded and looked up to him across the table. She worried about Liara. Shepard couldn't imagine having to kill either of her own parents, even if they'd fallen under the control of someone like Saren. The fact Liara had to made Shepard's heart go out to her.

"I can't imagine what's she's going through but it was the right thing. Benezia said so herself. She was too far gone under Saren's control," Shepard said.

Just thinking about Saren and what he'd done to Benezia had anger start to rise up in her again. The situation, the circumstances - all of it. With a frustrated sigh, she slammed her hands on the table and stood up, pushing away from the table as she paced away. "I'm sick of this Kaidan. Always being one step behind Saren, watching him pervert the galaxy with his evil. Liara shouldn't have lost her mother. I should have stopped Saren on Eden Prime or at least gotten the Council's support sooner...somehow," she vented.

Her fingers raked up into her hair that was held back into the high bun she always had up. She sighed heavily, immediately regretting her outburst. It wasn't like her but it seemed where Kaidan Alenko was concerned, her true feelings came out effortlessly, regardless.

Kaidan stood from the table, his coffee forgotten, as he walked over to her. He moved close to her and decided to take a bold approach as his hands come up to grab her arms. "This is almost over. The Council won't be able to deny what we've found after this," Kaidan said with resolve, his eyes unwavering from hers.

Shepard still at his closeness, her heart skipping a beat before starting to race. He was there and he was holding her, albeit at arms length. For a moment she wanted to step into those arms, feel their embrace around her. She wanted to disappear into them and let him take away her worries. He was good at that. His steady presence always seemed to calm her. She took solace in his comfort now.

"We're so close now. When we deliver everything, the Council will have to mobilize around us," Kaidan continued. "If we could get the Council on our side, this could become a great opportunity for the Alliance."

"It's been a struggle. But we've earned their respect now," Shepard said, feeling more resolute in the situation as her anger simmered down until it barely existed. Again, Kaidan came through and had brought her back to center. She couldn't imagine what she would ever do without him.

"And you've been at the forefront, all the way from Akuze. I don't think anyone can stop you," he looked into her eyes with a depth and intensity that shook her to her core. "I don't think I've ever met a woman like you."

"You haven't had the easiest life," she replied, visibly relaxing under his gaze as warmth filled hers, "But I like the man it's made of you."

Kaidan grinned, a shy but vibrant smile if ever she saw one, "Please, Commander. You'll make me blush." She liked this side of Kaidan, the flirty, but a bit bashful side. Especially knowing the man he was, it just seemed to balance out and bring all his facets together forming an all too appealing picture.

His expression grew serious, "No bull, Shepard. I wanna follow through with this." Kaidan's grip on her arms softened and slid down to her forearms to her hands as he took them in his, stepping closer. He was so close she could smell the scent of spice and warm metal that seemed to cling to him. It was intoxicating and she found she wanted more. Yet he continued as he looked deeply into her eyes, "It's tough keeping it separated from duty. But when the mission's complete, it'll be different. I hope you feel the same. Ma'am."

She smiled at his use of "ma'am". He always seemed to leave a way out, a defense mechanism she guessed was from what happened with Rahna. It was endearing but also sad. She'd wished he'd never have had to have gone through the pain of what he did. She found herself hoping for a time when he felt comfortable enough with her to not need to leave a way out.

"That sounds nice," she said. Another waft of his scent hit her and she let it take her. Shepard's eyes twinkled with delight and mischief as she looked at him, "Careful, you'll distract me from saving the galaxy."

The look that moved over his face only added to the warmth flooding her body and making her heart race, his voice dropping to a low, flirtatious tone, "It'll take care of itself one of these days. Or nights." Her breath caught in her chest as her gaze dropped to his lips then back up to his eyes when he spoke again, his voice deeper and more strained, "Shepard, you are hard to step away from."

Her heartbeat thundered in her ears as his words sunk into her and caressed their way down to core. The way he looked at her mingled with the feel of his hands, warm and strong in hers, and threatened everything she was tentatively keeping control over in that moment. Her gaze dropped to his lips again, silently begging to feel them against hers.

It took every bit of self control Kaidan had not to kiss her right then. She was already so close to him and he knew a subtle tug and she would be in his arms. He'd almost lost the battle for control too when they heard the sounds of the elevator whirring, denoting someone coming up. "We'll get this done, Commander. The sooner the better," he said with a determined tone about the mission.

"I hear ya, soldier. I'm waiting with bated breath," she whispered low enough just for him as she let go of his hands.

"Oh, you are good at that," he replied with a low husky tone that sent a visible shiver down her spine. With heavy reluctance, he let her hands go and took a step back, taking a more formal stance. She mirrored him and gave him a nod just as Engineer Adams came around the corner.

"Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Lieutenant. Good night," Shepard said, her Commander persona taking over.

"Of course. Good night, ma'am," Kaidan replied, lingering his gaze on hers for a moment longer before turning and heading to his bunk.

She gave Adams a smile and a nod then made her way to her own quarters, glad when the door shut behind her. Her heart still raced and her body felt like it was on fire and all he'd done was look at her. She rested her head back against the door as her eyes closed. Oh but it had been so much more than that.

 _What the hell are you doing, Kiara?_  she asked herself. She could only smile in response as Kaidan's face materialized in her mind.

_Being happy._


	10. Weight of the Dead

Once again the comm clicked off and Shepard sighed as she leaned on the console, bowing her head and closing her eyes. Rarely were her emotions this close to the surface but with Virmire behind them, she didn't care they were. If there was ever a time for them to be near the surface, it was at that moment.

How had things gone so sideways? Ash was dead and Shepard couldn't help but feel it was her fault.

She knew what she said to Kaidan during the debrief: that it wasn't anyone's fault but Saren's. Deep down, though, a part of her had trouble believing that. She went over Virmire in her head, desperately grabbing for some shred that would have told her there was an alternative. Something she had to have missed.

She couldn't find anything.

She'd made the right call. Shepard tried to convince herself she'd made the choice because of the mission. Kaidan had been in charge of the nuke and he was being overrun. Securing that nuke had been the more important objective of the mission.

So why did her stomach turn? Had she failed to do her duty? Did she choose Kaidan because of her personal feelings over the safety of another person on her team? She thought she could keep what was developing between them separate, but when push came to shove, had she actually been able to?

Shepard justified her actions again on the grounds that the nuke had needed to be secured. There was no arguing that. As much as it would have broken her heart, if it had been Ashley who set the nuke instead of Kaidan, she would have saved Ashley. But Ashley hadn't been the one to set the nuke, she'd gone with the salarian Captain.

She second guessed herself again if that had been the right choice of assignments but that too she knew had been. Kaidan had technical experience and while he was a damn good soldier, Ash's specialty was combat. It made sense their assignments had gone the way they did.

She didn't know which was worse: knowing her command decisions were justified or wishing they hadn't been so there was someone closer to blame for what happened. Someone closer to take her rage out on over the situation. Someone like herself.

It was Akuze all over, Shepard thought. Anger boiled up in her as she thought about Akuze. She was tired of loosing people under her command. She was tired of having to be the one who made those choices but she knew she would continue to make them. She would continue because it was who she was. She was a leader and that meant the hard decisions.

Shepard didn't know how long she stood there, head bowed over the console as the mission and what happened on Virmire played on repeat in her head ad nauseam. It wasn't until she heard the sliding of the doors opening that she turned her head and saw Kaidan walk in. He looked worn and mournful, as if the last few weeks had chose to show themselves as years on his features. She wondered if that's how she looked. It was how she felt.

"Wrex is looking for you, Commander," he said as he stopped on the far side of the comm room. His voice sounded as tired as he looked and heavy with grief.

"How are you dealing with Ash's death?" she asked, concerned for him. She knew the guilt he was feeling all too well. Survivors guilt. It was easy for it to eat you up and spit you out as if you were nothing. She'd struggled with it after Akuze. Hell, she still struggled with it because of Akuze.

"Dealing, ma'am," he said honestly. She couldn't fault him for keeping a barrier of protocol between them. Everything was raw right now. Even she felt a barrier up around her and it was one that had nothing to do with her biotics. "Sorry for anything I said back there. Adrenaline."

"I understand," she said softly. She was tired, a deep heart sickness heavy in her chest, "I don't like losing people either."

"If…if you don't mind me asking, how did you deal with the losses on Akuze?" Kaidan asked, his gaze searching hers for answers she didn't know if she had.

She sighed heavily but looked at him straight-on, wanting to try her best to give him an answer, "I vowed to do better. It was my job to get everyone out safe. I failed. I vowed to not let that happen again. Same here. I'll remember her, and I'll do better for her." Even the vow she made to her fallen unit members from Akuze she'd seemed to have failed. She refused to accept failure like that again, even though she knew the odds were against her on it. That was the curse of command. Sometimes you made the decisions that meant sacrificing a few for the many.

"I guess that's all we can do," Kaidan said. Her own grief and guilt must've showed on her face because he softened and moved across the room closer to her. He didn't know what to say to her. Everything felt inadequate.

"It  _wasn't_  your fault. It wasn't my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren," he said, repeating back the words she had said to him during the debriefing. She knew she was too transparent, that she should slide up her Commander mask and not let him see how much Ash's death was affecting her. But the plain fact of the matter was she was tired of the mask. She was tired of being the Commander. For once, even if it was a fleeting moment, she wanted to just simply be Kiara.

"It wasn't your fault but I'm not entirely sure it wasn't mine," she admitted after a long moment of silence. "I was the one who made the decision to have Ash go with the Captain. I was the one who made the decision to go back for you. I keep replaying it over and over in my head. I know, logically, I made the right decisions. You have experience in tech, she didn't. The nuke needed to be secured over anything else. I know the facts, I know the realities. Still," she shook her head with a sigh and closed her eyes, her shoulders dropping from the weight on them. "I can't help but second guess my motives."

When her eyes reopened a moment later, she looked up at him and he could see clear as day what was eating at her. Them - what they had developed. He sighed. He'd wondered about that too, yet after she listed off the reasons she had found for her decisions, he couldn't argue that they weren't justified. In her place, he would have made the same decisions. At least, he liked to think he would have.

"If it had been Ash on the nuke, would you have saved her instead of me?" Kaidan asked, stepping closer until he was less than a step away. A part of him wanted the answer to be 'no', as wrong as he knew that was, but the marine in him hoped she wouldn't hesitate to say 'yes'.

"I'd like to think I would have, even though it would've have meant losing you," she said softly, anguish registering in her eyes from the pain over losing Ash and the pain over the thought of ever losing him. It tore at his heart but he'd known the answer before she spoke it. He'd known because that was who she was and it was one of the reasons he loved her.

And he did love her. He was sure of that without any doubt or hesitation.

He reached for her then and pulled her into his arms. She didn't fight as she felt his strong arms come around her as she folded into his embrace and laid her head against his chest. She closed her eyes. He felt good. Right. Standing there she felt safe and strong. There in his arms, the hurt was just a little bit less. He held her. Not Commander Shepard but her: plain old Kiara Shepard.

"You did everything right, Shepard. Ash knew the score. She was ready for it and you know, if she was here seeing you wrestle over this, she wouldn't hesitate to put you in your place. Commander or not," Kaidan said, his hand rubbing her back softly as he pressed his lips to the top of her head. She smelled of lilacs and for a few brief moments he let himself bask in the scent as he committed it to memory.

Suddenly, deep within him, his biotic energy surged when it met hers, as if it was reaching out to greet an old friend. Kiara felt it too as her energy pulsed, reaching out for his. It was a heady feeling like nothing she had ever felt before. It was soothing yet invigorating. It was as if their energies knew each other, and knew they belonged with each other. Kiara pulled back her head just enough to look up at him as he looked down at her.

Slowly his head began to descend towards hers and she tilted her head up. It surprised her when his lips instead dropped to her forehead instead of her own lips, placing a tender kiss there. It hadn't been what she expected but as soon as his lips touched her skin, she knew it had been what she needed. With that simple gesture, the tension melted from her body as she allowed herself just a few moments to fall into everything that was Kaidan Alenko.

When he released the kiss on her forehead, Kaidan gave her a reassuring smile as he lifted his hand, brushing his thumb tenderly across her cheek. In that moment, regs didn't matter. Rank didn't matter. It was just a gesture from someone who loved another giving comfort where comfort was needed. She appreciated it, more than she knew how to describe. She didn't know what they were, or how what they were was going to work, but she knew she was going to fight for it. She needed this in her life.

She needed him.

"Commander, you're receiving a vid call from Ambassador Udina. Want me to patch it through to you?" Joker asked over the comms, his voice weary.

"Go ahead, Joker," Shepard said as she smiled to Kaidan and leaned forward, pressing a briefly lingering kiss on his cheek as she whispered, "Thank you" to Kaidan.

Kaidan returned the smile with a brief caress of her cheek again with his thumb then turned to leave just as Ambassador Udina appeared on the vid call platform, "Ambassador…" Shepard addressed him, turning back to face the consol, her hands going behind her upright back.

A few minutes later the Normandy was on a course set for the Citadel. The Council was amassing a fleet to deal with Saren.

Good, it was about time.

Shepard was going to make sure the Normandy was at the head of that fleet.


	11. Grounded

Frustrated, Shepard pushed the data pads across her desk with a frustrated sigh. Not only was the Council not going after Saren but they'd grounded the Normandy.

Cowards.

Even Udina backed the Council's decision, posturing and politicking as he threw the Normandy's crew under the bus to advance his interest. He sold them out and Kaidan hadn't shied away from calling him on it right there in the Council chambers.

Shepard paced like a caged tiger and then finally left the confines of her room as her emotions dissipated from anger and turned into anxiety. They were grounded and there was nothing they could do. Every idea possible for finding a way to change their minds or still get out there to stop Saren had run through her head. None of it was viable.

War. They were afraid of war with the Terminus systems. Saren was going to reach the Conduit and then it wouldn't matter if war broke out with the Terminus systems because there wouldn't be Terminus systems to go to war with. The Reapers would come and destroy organic life as they knew it. She paced over to the lockers by the med bay, shaking her head at the turn of events. She fiddled with one of the knobs on the metal containers, unable to stop her mind from working in overdrive.

Kaidan was on his way to talk to her in her quarters when he hit the mess hall and saw her standing by the lockers. He'd never seen her look so defeated, so trapped. As he walked up she sighed and turned around, leaned against containers. Slowly she sank down till she was sitting on the floor, her forearms resting on her knees. How could Udina sell them out like that? How could they not believe there was more than Saren just trying to destroy the Citadel?

"Commander? Are you all right?" Kaidan asked, concern heavy in his tone, "I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority, after all. Not the Council," he said, coming to stand near her as he looked down at her.

She shook her head, "Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that." She felt betrayed on more fronts than she could count.

"Closed. And we're supposed to accept that?" he asked, anger rising in his voice, "So, where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat."

She looked up at him, surprised at how much of his anger he was letting show. It didn't bother her but it let her know she wasn't alone in feeling trapped, "We're out of the game for now. But I need you to be there while I figure things out."

There was a deep truth in her words. She did need him. She needed that sounding board of sanity he offered and the strength of his character. His calming influence. She needed the feel of him at her back, knowing he had her six. She need him in her life as much as she could have him for as long as she could have him.

"You know you can count on me," Kaidan said, his eyes searching hers, then added, "or any of the crew, Commander."

"I'm asking you, not the crew. Come on, Kaidan," she said, "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder." She searched his gaze in return and was relieved when her words were met with a small smile.

"Yeah. I always leave a way out. You know that," he said softly, unable to look away. "I'm here for you. But we're in a rough spot, and the last thing I want to do is muddy things." He smirked then, "Like it's all that clear to begin with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

Shepard smiled, "There you go again. Can't just pull out a good old-fashioned 'it'll be all right,' can you?" she teased, already feeling her anxiety lessening just by having him near and talking to him.

"It's that easy, huh? Okay then," he chuckled, the sound rolling through her like a warm caress. She loved his laugh and his chuckles, "Everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out."

"That's better. That wasn't so hard, was it?" she teased again. She couldn't help but take in all of him as he stood there. Every inch of him was soldier but his gaze and the way he quirked his lips in a smile showed more of his depth. It had been what pulled her in and made her want to learn more about him. What enticed her learn the intricacies that put that warmth and kindness in his gaze. She loved how complex he was yet he played it off making it all seem so simple.

Looking up at him, a realization set in. She didn't just love all of his facets or mannerisms, his laugh or what he was around her. She loved all of him.

She loved him.

That thought took her breath away. She expected alarm to flare inside her but as she watched him, there was no alarm. Only peace. She loved him and nothing in her entire life had ever felt so right as admitting that.

"I could get used to it," Kaidan said, growing serious again, "I guess we have some downtime to figure out what we are, huh?"

He moved forward and offered a hand to help her up. She needed a distraction while the rest of her brain figured out their next move. Figuring out what they were seemed like just the perfect thing, especially now that she knew how deeply her feelings for him ran. Taking his hand, she started to rise. He pulled her up with a strong tug and she rose easily. Her balance was another matter as she stumbled forward from the force of the pull and landed in his arms.

Her hands came to rest against his chest and even through his uniform, Kiara could feel the heat of him and the firmness of his muscles beneath the material. Every inch of her body responded at the feel him against her and the strength with which he held her. Around them, the whole galaxy faded from focus until it was just them. Emerald eyes met amber and neither could bring themselves to look away as a myriad of emotions coursed through the gaze. Desire and heat were present but there was more there.

She could feel the warmth of his breath playing over her cheek as they searched each other's depths, something unseen pulling them together. She didn't know what it was that drew him to her, making him irresistible whenever she was near, but she didn't care.

Slowly he lowered his head to hers, tilting slightly to the side. Kaidan ached to feel her lips on his and in that moment, Shepard would have given anything to feel his. Warm breath seared over her lips as her parted, ready to welcome his kiss. Joker's voice piped in jarringly over the intercom just before their lips met, "Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson.

 _Seriously?!_  she thought as her shoulders dropped and she drew away, giving a shy resigned smile to Kaidan. He reflected her frustration as he closed his eyes in defeat and let her go as she stepped away from him. "Are you spying on us, Joker?" Shepard asked, not hiding the annoyance in her tone.

"No, ma'am. Just knew you were on the ship and figured I'd pass the message on. The captain said to meet him at Flux. That club down by the wards," Joker said then the com line clicked off. She didn't believe Joker for one minute that he hadn't been spying on them but the news that Anderson wanted to talk to her changed things. Maybe he had an idea on how to fix their problem.

Though as she looked at Kaidan, she actually felt torn for a brief moment. They had a chance to figure what they were but there was no way either would pass up any chance to complete their mission.

"Well, I guess you'd better go, then," Kaidan said with a knowing smile, the interruption not quelling any of the desire in his gaze.

Kiara could still feel the memory of him against her, his arms around her. "Suit up, you're coming too," she said, pushing her thoughts from what almost happened. And just like that, with ease, Kiara melded into the background as Commander Shepard took the forefront.


	12. Ilos

One minute they were heading to meet Captain Anderson and the next, Anderson was breaking into the Ambassador's office and the crew of the Normandy was stealing her to go save the galaxy. Shepard shook her head as she sat at her desk, her mind working on what they had done.

When this was over, she knew her career was finished. She'd made a decision and she only hoped, in the end, the whole of her crew wouldn't have to pay the price for it. She was fine in the knowledge that her career was over. If it meant stopping Saren and saving the galaxy from Reapers, she would do it.

Shepard sighed. They were a number of hours out from the Mu Relay and she prayed their delay at the Citadel hadn't made them too late.

Still, she couldn't believe what she'd done.

Her door slid open and she sat up, looking over to see who'd entered. When she saw Kaidan, she rose from the desk, glad to see him. "Commander?" he asked as he walked in, the door shutting behind him. She made her way over to him.

"You probably shouldn't call me that. I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform," she gestured to the fatigues she was wearing, "besides," she looked at him directly, "don't you think we're a little past titles?"

"We're a little past a lot of things…" Kaidan said, his voice dropping low briefly, "Hell of a thing. We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship - if they wanted to get technical, they can throw in kidnapping." He wasn't saying anything she hadn't already thought of.

"I keep reminding myself that we're doing the right thing. I don't believe me yet," Shepard said, shaking her head softly as she looked down.

"Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here," he stated plainly, not taking his eyes off her, "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I want you to know..." he hesitated a moment then took a breath, stepping up until he stood a breaths distance away from her, "Well, I've enjoyed serving under you."

She looked up to him. His words meant a lot to her but it was the words unspoken he conveyed without effort in the way he looked at her that took her breath away. Suddenly all her doubts and worries about what they'd done and what they were about to do faded under his gaze, every inch of her aware at how close he'd stepped. "Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago, don't you think you it's time to act like it?" she said softly.

Kaidan smiled and did that sexy little smirk that always made her heart beat a little faster and drew her in, "Battlefield flirting is one thing. There are regs against fraternization." He chuckled, "Well, I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list of charges at our courts-martial. You know what, you're right, about everything," he grew serious. "I think about losing you and..." his gaze searched hers, a ferocity in his gaze that made her heart race and ache at the same time, "I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again."

He moved forward, settling his hands on her waist. Kaidan had made the decision before coming to her quarters that he was done toeing the line with her. He loved her and though he was still worried she might reject him, going into what they were about to face, he didn't want any regrets if the worst should happen. He wanted her to know how he felt, to see it in his eyes. He spoke softly, his voice low, "But you and I...we are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us." He looked at her as if she was the key to life itself, the very air in his lungs and the beat of his heart. In a lot of ways, she was. "Shepard you make me feel…human."

Kiara was beyond moved by his words. Just the feel of him so close ignited a myriad of feelings and she didn't want to deny any of them anymore. He was right about everything. Though desire played its part, it was the need for his closeness which prompted her words as she spoke, "Bunk here tonight, Kaidan, with me." She more than wanted him - she needed him. She was tired of fighting what she felt for him and the reasons they kept apart didn't matter anymore. As he'd said, breech of protocol was going to be pretty far down the list of charges when this was all through. She loved him, like she had never known or expected to love another person.

Neither of them knew what Ilos would bring and that made it all the more perfect of a time. If it was going to be their last night alive, she wanted to share it with him. If they succeeded, then it would only pave the future she wanted to build with him.

He grinned playfully, "Is that an order, Commander?" That shimmer of mischief in his gaze enflamed her growing desires that mingled with her need to feel him close.

She looked at him with a fierce intensity, making it his turn for his heart to flutter and then race at the sight, "Kaidan, you make me feel like I can take on the universe. And right now? I kind of have to." Her gaze dropped to his lips and then flicked back up to his eyes. Somehow she knew in the embrace those lips promised, she would find the strength she needed to get through this. That, somehow, with his kiss, they would be able to take on anything thrown their way.

"This can't change anything, Shepard. This is a good crew. The finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up," he said concerned, his hands dropping from her waist as he moved to take a step back to discuss this more. As much as he longed to be with her, to feel her as he'd only dreamt about, he genuinely didn't want to mess up the good thing they and the crew had built.

Shepard's fingers tenderly caressed his cheek as she looked into his eyes. Her hand slipped from his cheek to the back of his neck. Without another word, she pulled him into her as she pressed her lips against his and slid her arms around him. Her actions were her answer and the moment their lips met, the universe ceased to exist outside of them. For weeks they had been dancing around one another and had numerous moments where the chance to embrace had been snatched away. She didn't want to waste another moment.

Like a starving man seeking sustenance, Kaidan slid his arms around her and drew her tight against him as he kissed her back. Any trepidations melted away as her body melded against the lines of his fitting him perfectly. It was passionate. Heated. Hungry. Every barrier they had put up between them melted away as they clung to each other, letting the desire take them. Yet, it was so much more than just physical desire. The moment they kissed, something unseen shifted. Into the kiss, they poured not just their desire but their soul-deep needs, their passion…their love.

Kaidan's fingers slid around her waist and up her sides, coming to unzip her jacket in the front. Soon enough his hands snaked underneath it and started working on untucking her shirt. Her hands were hardly idle either as she eagerly unzipped his jacket and worked on pushing it off his shoulders. There was an urgency to their movements, as if the rising heat between them would consume them if it wasn't quenched soon.

In short order, as they stumbled their way to the bed, they peeled each other out of their uniforms until they were both naked. Pressed against each other, their lips meshed as their tongues battled and tasted each other. When she felt him back up enough to where he hit the bed, she broke the kiss and pushed him back onto it with a wickedly seductive grin.

He chuckled as he fell, laying back on the bed as he looked up at her. The sight took his breath away. Being a soldier, like him, she was fit but that physical prowess took nothing away from her soft feminine curves. From the swell of her breasts, full and pert on her chest, to the flare of her hips. Every inch of her was perfection and it set the fire burning in him to a roaring blaze.

Slowly she reached up and unbound her hair from the bun it was in as a cascade of black waves, full and silky, fell down her back and over her shoulders. Kaidan never realized just how long her hair was, the ends of it brushing against the bottom of her hips. It was no wonder she always had it tied back into a bun. It was gorgeous, as was she, and he wanted to explore every inch of her.

With a playful grin and fire in her own gaze, Kiara looked down at him and her mouth watered. Every line, every muscle that surged under his smooth skin when he moved, was so much better than she had imagined. He was masculine and heady. She knew the feel of his hard muscles from the passing moments in his arms. As her gaze raked over him with desire, she couldn't help but admire the way he swelled even more as he looked upon her.

Slowly she crouched over him as she began to crawl up the bed, her body hovering over his. She took her time, letting her desire play across her lips and deep into her gaze that never wavered from his. Heat radiated off them both as she came to straddle atop him, her lips brushing and grazing over his as she felt his arms wrap around her once more. She let out a sigh of happiness at the feel of his rough battle-calloused hands sliding over her sensitive skin. He was beyond intoxicating and his touch was more exhiliarating than anything she'd ever experienced before.

Suddenly Shepard was rolled over and she could only smile and go with it as he hovered over her, propping himself up with one arm as the other caressed his hand up her side. Her breath hitched as she felt his thumb graze over the side of her breast. It was temptation on steroids and it only flared the ache deep inside her, the need to feel more of him. All of him.

She tilted her head up, lips begging for his. Kaidan grinned and lowered his head, acquiescing and once more claiming her lips with his own. It was possessive and all consuming. Heavenly and he was just as entranced by her. She was everything to him and try as he might to want to make this first time slow and savored, a need rushed through them both that would not be denied.

It didn't take long for that need to possess them beyond reason and soon they joined. Passion and desire, longing and rage came together and took them on a ride. Never for more than a few seconds did their lips ever part as their bodies moved in sync with each other.

Much too soon for both their tastes, they found their peak together as the universe exploded and faded around them leaving only them at the center of it all once again. It was like nothing either had ever experienced before and both doubted they would ever experience it again with anyone else. It was a notion both were happy with.

Collapsing in exhaustion, panting as he tried to catch his breath, Kaidan rolled onto the bed beside her. Shepard wasted no time curling over and moving to lay against him, her body contouring to the shape of his. It amazed them both how well they fit together so effortlessly. She laid her head on his chest as she draped her arm over him and entwined one of her bare legs with his. Her breath slowly starting to get under control.

"That was..." he trailed off, swallowing and trying slowing his breathing more. He didn't have words for what that had been.

Kiara tilted her head up and looked at him, her face glazed over with the aftermath of their pleasure and the deep content she felt in her soul. Her gaze working to memorize him in that moment. "I love you, Kaidan," she said before she realized the words had popped out of her mouth.

She didn't regret saying them, especially when he held her gaze and said, "I love you too, Kiara." Her heart lodge in her throat as he used her first name. He'd never used her first name before and while she was more used to being called Shepard, even preferred it, the fact he called her by her name meant more than she could ever put to words. It was intimate in a way few every got to be with her. Thinking about it, she realized only her parents called her by her first name. She liked that he had and she hoped he would continue to during their private moments.

Kiara slid up him slightly and kissed him softly, a tender loving kiss. After savoring it a long moment, she drew back just enough to hover her lips over his as she looked into his eyes, "Whatever happens..." she whispered but he pressed a finger to them.

"Shh," Kaidan said then moved his finger and kissed her again. This time he held the kiss until she relaxed, knowing he knew what she was going to say. The longer the kiss was held though, the further her thoughts became and the deeper the embrace grew as the fires began to rekindle once more within them. Desire reignited and she wondered if there would ever be a time when she wouldn't crave him as she did. She doubted it.

Where at first time it had been a driving need this time it was a slow build and they took full advantage of it. They took their time exploring each other, learning the little quirks of the other's bodies: where to draw out the deepest moans; the spots that brought out a fit of laughter when tickled; the areas of flesh that stole their breaths away.

After an eternity, it seemed, they collapsed once more into each other's arms. Entwined intimately, they let their exhaustion and the singularly unique peace they found together take them into sleep. For Kiara, it was the best sleep she'd had since before Akuze, and definitely since before Eden Prime.

When Shepard awoke later, Kaidan still fast asleep beside her. She reveled in the moment, in the sight of him in her bed. He looked at peace in a way she rarely saw with him. Her gaze roamed over every inch of his face, not wanting a single detail left out as she committed him to memory. She wanted to wake up to him every morning and fall asleep at his side every night. It alarmed her how quickly he had found his way into her heart and yet, she wouldn't have had it any other way. That was where he belonged and at his side was where she belonged. She ached for there to be more time for them.

She knew they were getting close though. They had to be. Slipping from bed, she gathered up their clothes and set his aside before getting dressed herself. When she saw he was still asleep, she just leaned against her desk and watched him. She didn't know what was going to happen in the next few hours but she was determined to never forget this moment or this night. She was happy, despite everything going on outside her quarters, and she wanted to hold onto that happiness for as long as she could.

Slowly Kaidan began to stir and he immediately noticed the emptiness of the bed beside him. Rolling over, he groggily looked around and spotted her leaning against her desk, her emerald gaze focused on him with a soft look. She was already dressed which had to mean they were getting close, a thought he loathed. He wanted nothing more than to hold onto the little cocoon they had created and never come out. He smiled and sat up, acutely aware of the way her gaze raked over him. He looked at her, his gaze intense, "It's been a long time since I've met a woman who..."

"Bridge to Commander Shepard. We're five minutes out from the Mu Relay," Joker piped in over the com system, interrupting Kaidan.

"You're a sweetheart, Kaidan," was all Kiara said and it was more than enough. The way she looked at him told him she knew what he wanted to say and that was good enough.

"Joker's waiting for you on the bridge," he said softly, then his gaze grew heavy as that familiar feeling before a mission settled into his gut. Only this time it was different. There was a fear there. For her. "I swear, though, if anything happens to you..." He couldn't bring himself to finish that sentence. He didn't know what he would do if anything happened to her. "Take care, Shepard."

"You too, Kaidan," and with that she pushed off the desk, strode over to give him a lingering kiss then left her quarters for the bridge.


	13. Working Overtime

It had been a whirlwind after Ilos when they learned of Saren's plans to bring the Reapers into the galaxy through the use of the Citadel. It had been a tough fight but in the end, Saren had fought the indoctrination long enough to end his own life instead of stopping her. Sovereign continued to fight, regardless, choosing to battle the Alliance ships as well as take over Saren's body to battle Shepard and her team.

In the end, Sovereign was defeated and thanks to the help of the Alliance forces, the Council aboard Destiny's Ascension was saved. However, the cost of saving them came at a high price in the number of Alliance forces that were devastated in the attack. In the end, the sacrifices did not go unnoticed as the Council granted humanity a spot among their ranks.

They'd asked for Commander Shepard's recommendation on who should be appointed as the human Councilor but she'd abstained her opinion. Though there was still bad blood between her and Udina for how he acted when they needed him most, he had more experience with politics. And, though Captain Anderson was new blood and a strong proponent for the fight against the Reapers, she knew he wouldn't be happy as a Councilor. Neither were choices she wanted to back for various reasons and she was relieved when Anderson had told her he understood where she was coming from.

For her part, though the battle against Sovereign was a win, Shepard couldn't let that slow her down. She knew the Reapers were still coming. They would still find a way. Sovereign was only the herald of their arrival. She was determined to find a way to stop them.

Standing in her quarters of the Normandy, Shepard looked over her console and the data pads strewn about her desk as she went over the information again. She needed to focus to make sure there was nothing she missed.

It'd been almost four weeks since Sovereign's attack on the Citadel and the Council, along with the Alliance, had the Normandy out running down any remaining Geth who continued to cause trouble. While that kept Shepard busy while on duty, what free time she had was spent in her room pouring over the histories, data and everything in-between. Anything that could possibly help with the learning about the Reapers, she sought out.

Kaidan had been busy too, having been asked to stay behind on the Citadel for a few weeks for debriefings and helping the efforts to get the Citadel back into running shape. Around every corner it seemed like their schedules were opposite each other, only able to grab a few moments here and there for a quick call or vid conversation. They hadn't even had time to talk about what happened before Ilos, let alone figure out how it was going to work out.

Not that trying to have that kind of conversation was one to be had over a vid call. Still, she kept her free time filled with her research, grateful for the distraction of being away from him. Shepard glanced at the calendar up on one of her display screens. Kaidan was scheduled to return to the Normandy sometime that day and she knew she'd have to figure out what they were and where they were going to go.

There was only one problem and it was the same problem they'd had before: they were Alliance again and regs were regs. No fraternization outside of your rank. They hadn't lost their commissions like they expected to after everything shook out. Not only had there been no charges brought against them, the crew of the Normandy had been paraded as heroes - Saviors of the Battle of the Citadel. It was great and a relief off in more ways than they could count. But with the good news came the bad that it meant they were still restricted by the protocols and regulations.

Shepard poured over her data pads with an intense focus, shaking the thoughts of the unknown of her and Kaidan's future. There was no use thinking about it until they got a chance to talk, which she hoped would be soon.

For over an hour she dug deeper and deeper into her research. When her door chimed to notify her someone was wanting entrance, she was so ensconced in her work, she didn't even register it…or the following two more attempts. After a moment, the door finally opened and Kaidan walked in.

He smiled as he saw her sitting at her desk, her intense attention taking her to another realm. She was a focused woman, dedicated and determined. It was one of the reasons he loved her. He'd missed her. It only took one look at her though and all the ache and frustration of being apart melted away. His heart soared at the sight of her.

Concern knit his brow when she turned her head to look at one of the consoles and he caught sight of her face. Though still radiant and beautiful as ever, he couldn't help but notice the dark circles shadowing her luminous green eyes. Had she been getting any sleep?

Walking over to her, it took until he stepped up to the desk for her to suddenly realize he was there. That fact alone concerned him and told him she was more tired than she would ever admit. Obsessed too. She'd never been caught off guard as long as he'd known her and for him to do so without even trying to be stealthy worried him.

"Kaidan," she said in surprise, looking up at him. Her gaze lit up with a bright burst of happiness as she looked at him as she rose from her desk. He did that: revitalized her. Brought her to life. She wasted no time wrapping her arms around him. She buried her face in the crook of his neck and closed her eyes as his arms came to wrap around her, the familiar body she'd longed to feel finally embracing her. He felt good and, for a brief moment, all the tension left her body.

Kaidan's worries were pushed to the background the moment he felt her arms around him and her body pressed against his. For long moments, he just held her, basking in the feel of her once more. The old phrase "home is where the heart is" came to his mind, and as he held her, he couldn't agree more. Home was in her arms and he was finally home.

Slowly, Shepard drew back from him. There was no hiding how happy she was to see him. "When did you get in?" she looked over at the clock, "Why didn't Joker inform me you arrived?" Her brow knitted in annoyance, though it smoothed away by the time she looked back to him.

"I asked him not to. I wanted to surprise you," Kaidan said with a smile. He let it fade then as he pulled away from her, taking a formal straight-back stance and bringing his hand up to salute her, "Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko reporting for duty, ma'am."

She laughed softly and just shook her head at him, "At ease, Lieutenant." Protocols were protocols though she found humor in him adhering to them even there wasn't anyone else there to see it. By the glimmer of humor in his eyes, she saw he felt the same and he'd done it mostly for humor's sake.

Kaidan relaxed, dropping his hand and shooting her one of those charming smiles that took her breath away and made her heart race. She set down the data pad she realized she still had in her hand, and picked up another, "I'm glad you're back. Before you debrief me on how things are going at the Citadel, I'd like to show you something. I've been looking over some of the sensor data the Normandy collected when we were at Ilos and…"

"And the sensor data will be there later," he set his hand over the data pad, taking it from her and setting it down on the desk before he looked back to her with an expression of concern, "When was the last time you slept?" He'd known, before Sovereign's attack, that she'd not been sleeping well due to nightmares from the visions from the Prothean beacons. Liara had confided in him about learning of them out of concern for their Commander. Was she still having them?

"Are you worrying about me, Lieutenant Alenko?" she flirtatiously asked, trying to deflect the question with her tone.

That smile lit up his world and left him in awe of her beauty and strength. "Always," he said, giving a smile in return, but he was stubborn and no amount of awe-factor wouldn't dissuade him from making sure she was okay. "Seriously, Shepard, you need to get rest. This hunting Geth all day and then working all night…its wearing you down. The Reapers aren't going to be invading tomorrow. Take time for you."

"I'm fine, Kaidan," she said, moving away from him. They'd had the same discussion on a number of their calls and while she appreciated the concern, she knew her limits. Besides, it was hard to sleep knowing what was coming. She hadn't had as many nightmares as before but still, occasionally, they came. And when they did, it was usually in those few moments when she wasn't worrying herself awake about what they would do to stop the Reapers. Sleep was not her friend.

She walked to the center of the room and reached up high to the ceiling as she rolled her neck and stretched her muscles. She wondered how long she'd been sitting this round of researching. "I just need to take a little break then I'll be right as rain and good to go back to the grind," she said optimistically, trying to allay his worries.

Kaidan's eyes roamed over her body and the way it arched and elongated as she stretched, a fire stirring in his blood at the sight. Once more the worry was pushed to the background, a mental note attached to discuss it later. It was hard to think of anything as he watched her, utterly mesmerized. He nearly groaned as he recalled the way her body had arched beneath him the night before Ilos, and the feel of her softness and the caress of her warmth. He ached to feel her against him again. It had been a night of pure bliss but he knew, when it came to Kiara Shepard, one night was not nearly enough. A lifetime wouldn't even come close to being enough but a lifetime he could easily settle for.

 _A lifetime with her_ , he thought with a warm smile. Clearing his throat with an awkward cough, he moved from standing to lean against her desk, adjusting his position to alleviate the restraining discomfort he felt. As much as he wanted to pull her into his arms and disappear into her lips, he knew they needed to do some talking: about them, about before Ilos, and about the barriers they had to overcome for their relationship. "You need more than a break, you need a vacation," Kaidan said.

She lowered her arms and walked over to get a glass of water. She'd not missed the way he'd looked at her, nor the way he readjusted his position. She liked that she had that effect on him because he had that affect on her. Already she had a fire that coursed over her body and he was the cause. He always was the cause. As she went for the water, she changed her mind and went for whiskey instead, grabbing two and pouring a finger's worth in each of them.

Kaidan continued, "Remember that shore leave we talked about? What if we took it when we head back to Earth for the award ceremony? Just you and me, dodging away from the politics and schmoozing for a few days. Surely they won't refuse the woman who won the Battle of the Citadel a couple weeks of R&R?"

Walking back over to him, Shepard handed him one of the glasses and moved to stand between his legs as she faced him. Her emerald gaze looked into his amber one, "I like the sound of that. Besides, if they do refuse us, we'll just go rogue again," she said with a soft teasing laugh.

Kaidan took the glass, swirling it and inhaling the mix of the whiskey and the subtle scent of her lilac shampoo. Her close proximity bombarded his senses and did little to alleviate the strain in his uniform. His free hand came to rest on her hip as he looked at her and chuckled, "Definitely. What do you say?"

"I say we wait and see what Earth has in store for us when we get there but…" she gave a sly smile, "I'd be open to it." Raising the glass, she offered it in toast, "To R&R then."

"To R&R," he echoed, raising the glass and tapping it against hers with a soft clink. Lifting the rim to his lips, he took a drink and savored the taste as she did the same. "Mmm, Peruvian Whiskey?" he asked, "My favorite," he said when she gave a small nod, lowering the glass.

"Really? It's my father's favorite too. He has a glass of this every night after dinner, even when he's off on missions. I used to tease him that he loved his whiskey ritual more than he loved family time, though we both knew it wasn't true. I started keeping a bottle around after I joined the Alliance. Now he takes every chance he gets to tease me, knowing how much of a taste for it I've developed," she laughed softly, bringing the glass up for another sip.

"I first got a taste of it at Jump Zero. Some of the guys got a bottle of it smuggled in somehow. We got so drunk that night that the next day during drills, we all were covering for each other and trying to keep everyone on our toes so no one suspected what had happened. It was terrible," Kaidan laughed, shaking his head, "Doing heavy biotics training while nursing a hangover…not fun."

She laughed, admiring the way his face lit up. She liked it when he smiled and loved it even more when he laughed. He was a handsome man but when he laughed, the whole galaxy stopped to stare. He mesmerized her, drew her in. She'd missed his smile and his laugh. She'd missed a lot of things about him.

Her eyes dropped to his lips a moment before she slowly leaned in and took the kiss she'd been longing to take since she had to leave him on the Citadel. Pressing her lips against his, she savored the feel of him against her. He was warm and his body strong, a solid pillar she'd come to rely upon. He tasted like whiskey and it melded with the subtle scent of spice and warm metal that was his own. It intoxicated her and pulled her deeper under the spell that she seemed to fall under when alone with him.

Kaidan was surprised by the kiss but welcomed it, his hand on her hip sliding around her lower back to pull her closer to him as he deepened the embrace, tasting her. It amazed him how entranced he was by her, but more than that, it amazed him how much he loved her. Truly and wholly. He'd missed her during his time on the Citadel but he was back home now, on the Normandy, with her. If he had his way, it would be an eternity before he had to be away from her again.

Slowly the kiss broke and her eyes looked down into his with a soft smile, her gaze heavy and hooded with the desire he awoke in her, "The things you do to me, Kaidan Alenko…" Shepard said softly, her free hand stroking the side of his cheek as she smiled.

"It mutual," he said, his tone equally as soft, making no move to let her go. He liked the feel of her pressed against him, wrapped in his arms.

"What are we going to do about this?" she asked, her gaze growing serious, "You know they won't let you serve aboard the Normandy anymore once everything shakes out. The Reapers are coming, Kaidan…" She held her breath a moment, eyes searching his, "I can't imagine not having you at my side when we face what comes next."

"I'm not sure," he said, his gaze caressing every inch of her face and wishing he could melt away that knit of worry in her brow, "but we'll figure it out. I'm not going to let you go Shepard. I meant what I said before Ilos. There are some things in the works back at Alliance Command, though, that I think could work in our favor."

"What kind of…" she began but, once again Joker's timing was impeccable.

"Commander, I have a priority message from Admiral Hackett for you," his voice came in over the comms. She would have been more annoyed but since she knew Joker knew Kaidan had just gotten back, she also knew he wouldn't have interrupted unless it was important. A message from the Admiral qualified.

With a sigh, she gave Kaidan a chaste kiss, "Duty calls." Then she said to Joker over the comms, "Patch it through here."

She pulled out of his arms and set down her whiskey, moving to sit down in front of the console to put the Admiral up on the screen. Kaidan pushed off from the desk, bending down to place a brief kiss on the back of her neck. "We'll talk later," he said with a smile then headed out of her quarters just as Hackett appeared on her screen. 


	14. Figuring It Out

Later that night after his homecoming to the Normandy, Kaidan returned to Shepard's quarters. When he buzzed for entry, she inquired who it was. Given the time, she guessed it was Kaidan but she wanted to be sure. When she heard his voice, she pressed the keypad next to the bed as the doors opened.

As soon as Kaidan walked in he was greeted by a sight that took his breath away. Shepard was sitting in the middle of the bed with a few data pads spread around her wearing nothing but a plain white t-shirt with the "N7" logo and black panties. She was a vision.

Even her long black hair had been taken out of the tight bun she always held it in. It flowed down around her shoulders like a midnight waterfall, cascading over her curves to pool around her hips on the bed. He loved her hair, the feel of its silky tresses flowing over his hands as he sunk his fingers into their depths.

She looked up from the data pad she was holding and smiled at him. Once again, his heart stopped. Words paled when he tried to describe how he felt about her. Just seeing her sitting there so comfortable, looking up at him with that smile left him speechless. She didn't look like the Commander Shepard the rest of the crew knew. In that moment, she was the woman behind the uniform, the woman he knew intimately, and she was radiant. Suddenly Kaidan's reason for coming to her was more important than ever. "Still working on your research?" he asked as he came up to the bed.

Shepard nodded to him, the data pad resting in her hands. She couldn't bring her gaze to look away from him. He was dressed simply in his uniform fatigues and black boots with a white t-shirt tucked into the waistband. It fit him well and she took a moment to fully appreciate that fact. For as gentle of a soul as she knew he held within him, she also knew the fierce warrior he was too. She didn't trust anyone more than she trust him. And damn, if he wasn't the finest man she'd ever laid her eyes on. Every inch of him reflected the marine he was. She knew under those clothes each hard line of muscle and every valley of tanned skinned.

When her eyes, filled with the desire he awoke in her, raked up to his gaze, she was met with a knowing smile. It was a look that did nothing to hide the heat in his own depths. He sat down on the edge of the bed, turning to face her. With a coy smile, Kiara found herself setting down the data pad and crawling over to him. She knelt at his side and leaned in, kissing him deeply. He welcomed the kiss and returned it with passion. His arms snaked around her as he pulled her onto his lap, her body moving effortlessly to straddle him.

They held the kiss for what seemed like an eternity as they relearned each other's lips. It was so easy to disappear into it and let the rest of the galaxy fade away. Slowly, Kaidan broke off the kiss and opened his eyes as he looked into her emerald gaze. "The things you do to me…" he murmured, his hand coming to caress and comb through her hair while the other caressed and splayed across the small of her back.

"Its mutual," she said, echoing their earlier banter from before Hackett's call.

Chemistry was certainly not a problem where they were concerned but it reminded Kaidan that they needed to talk before getting completely lost in each other. "As much as I want to keep doing what we're doing, we need to talk," Kaidan said. He hoped this went well. He knew what he desired but he wanted to make sure she wanted the same thing.

"We do," she stated plainly but still her lips held a seductive little smile as she leaned in and gave him a chaste kiss. It was all to brief but she drew back and set her forearms on his shoulders and settled back against his thighs. It was a position that made him painfully and acutely aware of every inch of her that touched him.

"I love you, Shepard," Kaidan stated, "I want to find a way to make this work. You mean too much to me for me to let you go." He hesitated a moment, then told her of the news he'd received while at the Citadel, "Alliance Command wants to promote me to Commander, for my part in what took place at the Battle of the Citadel. It would mean there wouldn't be any regs to stop us. We could be together…"

Shepard searched his gaze, excitement filling her. It was great news! He deserved it and she couldn't be happier for him. Her lips curved to reflect her excitement. He was right. With both of them as Commanders, the fraternization rules wouldn't apply. They'd finally be able to be together without any hindrances. Her thoughts halted as she realized that wasn't necessarily true. She knew military relationships well enough. She'd been born a spacer, and both of her parents were career military. She knew how hard it was for military couples to nab the same postings or assignments.

Her smile faded a touch, "They want to transfer you, don't they? Now that the galaxy is safe, they'll want to spread out their best soldiers…"

Kaidan gave a slight nod, "Yes but…" he emphasized, "…they're offering me my choice of assignment. I want to stay here. They know I don't want to leave the Normandy and I believe they're inclined to let me stay, if for no other reason then what we just pulled off. I haven't given them an answer yet regarding my assignment. I wanted to talk to you, first. Is this something you want, Shepard? Me? This? Us? I know what I want and I know how I feel but I'll choose another assignment, one off the Normandy, if you want me to or you think we need me to." He took a breath, "I just need to make sure I know where we stand."

Kiara looked deep into his eyes as her hands came to cup each side of his face. She wasted no time bending her head down and pressing her lips to his, capturing him in another deep kiss. She slowly broke the kiss, her eyes locked on his. "I love you, Kaidan Alenko and I want this. I want us. I want you. I want you here with me where you belong. We're a good team and you make the Normandy stronger. I wouldn't change what we have here on this ship for anything in galaxy. Take the damn promotion. If anyone deserves it, its you," she said, showing all the pride and love she held for him in her gaze.

Those words struck him deep into the heart and a warmth bloomed where they hit. Kaidan's arms suddenly tightened around her as he pulled her close, once more claiming her lips in a deep kiss. It was passion in its purest form as his mouth claimed hers while his fingers sank into her hair.

Kiara's hands slipped from his cheeks as she slid them to wrap around the back of his neck, happy to never let the embrace end. As far as Kaidan was concerned, he had no intention of letting it end either. They'd had their talk and knew where they stood. They had a future, a chance to be together without having to sneak around regulations.

With his arms secure around her body, he turned and laid her down on the bed. The weight of his body on top of hers was a welcomed sensation she'd desperately missed. All too soon what clothes they had were cast off into piles beside the bed and with a swipe of his arm, the data pads strewn across the bed followed them to the floor. They lost themselves in each other while the world faded away around them. There was no rush to their lovemaking, no epic battle looming on the horizon hindering them as they came together. For hours they explored and savored, caressed and embraced. It was heaven.

In the aftermath, Shepard laid with her head on Kaidan's chest and her body half draped over his as her legs entwined with his. Never before had she ever experienced being loved so deeply, or so thoroughly, as she had been loved by him. Wrapped in each other's arms, fingers entwined, they found peace as exhaustion of the best kind overtook them both.

All was right in the galaxy, and that night, Kiara dreamt. There were no dark terrors lurking in the corners - only Kaidan and the hope and future his presence in her life brought her.

She was home.


	15. Eternity Lost

Shepard shook her head as she laughed, stepping out of the shuttle. They'd just finished a patrol run on a planet rumored to house a Geth base and had arrived back on the Normandy. "Calm yourself Wrex. It's perfectly natural to have performance anxiety, especially in the face of such 'terrifying creatures'" she teased the gruff Krogan as she slipped off her helmet and held it in her hand at her side.

There hadn't been any geth but a large band of small monkey-like creatures who'd gotten territorial had tried to swarm them. Shepard had thought they were kind of cute and more annoying than anything else. Wrex grunted and snarled a bit at her comment, "I didn't have performance anxiety! My gun jammed. There are many warriors, and many females as well, on Tuchanka who can attest that Urdnot Wrex does not get performance anxiety."

"I'm not sure I want to know the details on that argument," Kaidan teased, grinning to Wrex as he took off his helmet. Another grunt resounded as he narrowed his eyes. They had to give him a hard time, it was just too easy with him.

"We're just teasing you, Wrex. Calm down," Shepard said with a warm smile, her eyes shining with mirth as she moved to stow her weapons in the armory. She enjoyed the level of comfort the crew had found with each other and the moments of familial comradery that seemed to embrace them more often. It helped take her mind off the troubles the Normandy still had.

It annoyed her that the Council, along with the Alliance, had the Normandy out chasing down residual Geth instead of working to prepare for the Reaper invasion. Even with Sovereign's attack on the Citadel, with the way things were going there, she didn't have much faith in the system. That wouldn't stop her though. She had every intention of doing whatever she had to do to prepare the galaxy for the arrival of the Reapers.

Currently, that meant fighting Geth to placate the brass, biding her time and researching. One thing was for certain though, she wouldn't let what happened on the Citadel fade to history and be swept under the rug, as politicians were wont to do when something too big or too messy fell on their doorstep. She had no intentions to stop fighting until the Council, and the Alliance, started preparing for the Reapers.

Sovereign was just the tip of the ice burg. Shepard knew it down to her core and everyone on the Normandy agreed.

Another gruff grunt came from Wrex as he stowed his weapons and wandered over to his section of the cargo bay. Kaidan came up behind her, putting away his weapons away as he reached around her, making sure to brush against her. His lips held that flirtatious smile that came so easy to him and she could only smile back, her body responding with a pulse of electricity at the feel of him near.

A look passed between them as they both felt the current of desire wash over them. No more words needed to be spoken. Once their weapons were put away, they started to make their way to the elevator. Wrex was still grumbling behind them about performance, pyjaks and guns jamming. Taking off their helmets as soon as they stepped in, they looked to each other.

The doors of the elevator had barely closed when Kaidan hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her to him. A playful smile formed on his lips as he bent his head down and claimed the kiss he'd been aching to since they'd left the planet from their mission. Kiara melted against him as a fire ignited inside her, kissing him back with a passionate desire. She drank in the promise that kiss held of what was to come shortly and she savored it.

The kiss didn't last, though. All too soon the elevator came to the crew deck and they parted ways. The only thing that made pulling apart bearable was both knowing they'd be resuming it very soon. Shepard gave him another playful quick nip of his bottom lip before grinning and walking off the elevator towards her quarters. Kaidan inwardly groaned at the nip and eagerly began to follow her when Dr. Chakwas ambushed him. She asked him if he could run a data pad up to Joker for her as she had to see to a crewman who'd been injured down in Engineering.

He hated making Shepard wait but he knew she would understand. Dr. Chakwas rarely asked for help and Kaidan was happy to give it when he could. Giving a nod to Dr. Chakwas, he took the pad and started heading towards the bridge. He was about to hit the stairs when he caught Shepard's gaze. She gave a warm and very understanding smile as she gave him a nod then mouthed the word "hurry" with a playful wink before opening the doors to her quarters. He grinned and started taking the stairs two at a time. He had no intention of making her wait long.

Kiadan was halfway past the CIC when he heard the bridge's alarms start to go off as Joker's voice raise in alarm, "Brace for evasive maneuvers!" Before he knew it, the ship lurched with the harsh force as explosions ripped up the main deck. Kaidan's heart stopped a moment. One of the explosions had come up from right below…where Shepard's quarters were. His eyes widened as he dropped the data pad, and rushed back down to the crew deck.

The Normandy was in chaos. Everywhere fiery outbursts were going off as the ship rocked with the force of whatever was assaulting them and secondary explosions. Helmet still in hand, Kaidan rushed through the chaos towards Shepard's quarters. The tightness in his chest loosed a bit when he spotted her at the console at the end of the sleeper pod bay. Fires were burning all around them as the Normandy crumbled around them. There was no saving her, they had to escape.

Kaidan ran up to her as she was putting her helmet back on. "Shepard!" he called out to her as he put back on his helmet he was still carrying. The smoke was getting thick and they both knew a hull breach could happen at any time. Already by the sound of Joker's voice over the comms, multiple had sprung up all over the ship.

"Distress beacon ready for launch," Shepard said, turning around to look at him before she glanced back at the console screen behind her. As she did, the display went out and he heard her curse.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" he asked as another impact wracked the ship. She wasted no time grabbing a fire extinguisher, tossing it to him as she moved to a wall panel. He caught it, their movement fluid and synched to each other flawlessly. Her movements were controlled and precise, the calm in the center of the storm. The area she focused on was surgical and he knew she was aware the ship was going down. She was focusing on getting the system functional enough to get the distress beacon launched.

"I'm not doing this just so they can find our frozen corpses. Get everyone onto the escape shuttles," she commanded as she fought the wires and connections inside the panel she was working on.

Kaidan worked to continue to put out the fires around the other panel he knew she'd need access to. "Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship," he informed her. He could feel the heat even through his armor. They didn't have much time before the whole ship went up in flames, especially at the rate their assailants were hitting them. They were under attack, of that he was sure.

When he looked over his shoulder at her, Shepard had finished the last few connections to reroute and deploy the beacon from that panel. "I'm not leaving, either," he said. There was no way he could leave her. Everything was going to hell around them but they always had each other's backs. He also couldn't shake a nagging feeling in his gut at the thought of leaving her side.

"I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker," she strode over to him and took the extinguisher from his hands. Her tone was a defiant one he knew all too well but there was also no mistaking the commanding presence of it. She wasn't speaking to him as Kiara, she was speaking to him as his commanding officer. It was a distinction he knew clearly and it was something they'd agreed on when they decided to try to make this work. Never before had he ever questioned it.

"Commander!" he argued. For the first time, he was prepared to defy her order.

Another hit rocked the Normandy as new explosions erupted around them, jarring them both. She tossed the extinguisher to the side and moved back over to the beacon controls. She reached up to a panel beside it, finishing up the final rerouting. "Kaidan. Go," she said firmly and turned her head to look at him, "Now." Their gazes met through the visors of their helmets, unspoken words conveyed.

" _I love you_ ", her look said.

Kaidan was torn apart but he nodded. There was no argument he could give. Though he still couldn't shake the sinking feeling in his gut, he knew he needed to make sure the rest of the crew got to the evacuation shuttles.

He hesitated only a moment as he looked at her. There was no going through what they had went through and not be able to communicate without words. He knew she was right and if anyone could pull off the dangerous and impossible, it was her. "Aye, aye," he said but really his words said, " _I love you too._ "

Before he could change his mind, he turned around and rushed for the evac shuttles as Shepard finished her repairs and launched the distress beacon. She felt the jerk as the evac shuttles launched from the Normandy, her heart clenching as she hoped Kaidan had made it to them in time. With the beacon sent, she turned then and raced for the bridge. She had to get Joker.

Whoever was attacking them had gotten the drop on them. How, she couldn't guess with the Normandy's state-of-the-art stealth systems but she couldn't dwell on it. There was too much going on and lives were at stake. She hated to think who they lost.

Rushing up the stairs, he hit the button to open the CIC doors and was greeted by empty space. Her heart dropped at the sight as oxygen pumped through her helmet.

She stepped through the threshold and the doors shut behind her. What had been loud chaos erupting around her below was suddenly a dead silence. The whole right side of the Normandy was completely gone and bare to space. She could only hear the sounds of her breathing as she walked across the CIC floor, her mag boots slowing her down considerably as they clung to the deck.

Finally she made it to the bridge, passing through the containment shield Joker had erected. As soon as she was through, she rushed to Joker's side. "Come on, Joker! We have to get out of here!" she said to him.

"No! I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!" he cried out, his fingers moving hard and fast over his console as he struggled to do everything he could.

There was nothing that could be done. "The Normandy's lost. Going down with the ship won't change that," Shepard said, her tone forceful and direct.

He sighed then nodded, his helmet moving with him, "Yeah…okay. Help me up." He glanced at one of the consoles, his eyes going wide, "They're coming around for another attack!" As if the damage they'd done hadn't been enough already.

A second later a bright laser burst through the side of the ship as Shepard raced to the barrier. She watched as it tore through the Normandy like tissue paper, explosions wracking in its wake. They had to get out of there.

Rushing back to Joker, she grabbed his arm as he cried out, "Ahh! Watch the arm!" but she didn't care. A broken arm was better than dying. She helped him up and started walking towards the bridge evac pod. The ship shook around her, flailing in death throes as the unknown ship assaulted it.

Suddenly another explosion wracked the Normandy just as Joker slid into one of the pod's seats. Shepard was just about to step in when the force of it pulled at her, jarring her back. She lost her grip as the magnetization of her boots released. Shewent flying as she grabbed onto a bulkhead, grunting at the effort and holding on for everything she was worth.

She looked to the evac shuttle. She could make it. She knew she could. She just had to hold on and work her way back to the pod.

Another beam attack came, ripping the ship between her and the pod. She turned her head away and fought to keep her grip as the attack pulled at her and shook. She heard Joker through her helmet, "Commander!" Before she knew what happened, an explosion tore up from where the beam had struck and the force of it sent her flying as she lost her grip. "Shepard!" Joker cried out.

She tried to reach out for something, anything to give her some kind of anchor, but the chains of explosions ripping through the Normandy were propelling her too fast. She watched as her ship erupted in flames, the enemy's assault continuing to tear through its hull. There was no time to mourn its loss though as Shepard searched for something - anything - to give her a fighting chance. Anything to cling to that would anchor her long enough for one of the shuttles to make it to her.

The silence of space surrounded her again, only her breathing filling the vacancy…and a hissing that started behind her. She looked around as panic set in, realizing her oxygen line had been ruptured. Frantically she reached back, trying to find the holes and plug them. By the sound of it, there were multiple and deep down, she knew this was it for her. What hope she'd had at being found in time died with the rupture of her life line.

Still, to her last breath, she fought. She fought for life. She fought for Kaidan and the future they'd finally embraced.

As blackness started to take her consciousness, her lungs burning and seizing in her chest, Kaidan was the last thought before the void swallowed her whole.

 

* * *

 

On the other side of the wreckage, Kaidan felt as if his soul were dying as his heart wrenched from his chest at the sound of Joker's voice coming through the coms, screaming Shepard's name. In that moment, he knew what had happened. A person didn't have the kind of sound that Joker did in any other circumstance.

Silence took the shuttle at Joker's scream. After what seemed like an eternity, Joker's voice came through, a rasp of a broken tone. "She's gone…" he said in grief and despair, "The…Commander is…gone…"

In that moment, Kaidan's life ended as he'd known it.


	16. Note From The Author

**Did you enjoy this story?**

Then check out the other amazing words in the **[Eternity Series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/791619)**!

  

> **[A Glimpse of Eternity](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280)** \- _what you just read_  
>  _A collection of short stories following the evolution of Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko's relationship while hunting Saren and trying to stop Sovereign from heralding in the age of the Reapers. A Glimpse of Eternity is set during the events of ME1 and there are gameplay spoilers. M/F, FemShep x Kaidan Alenko. Rated M for later chapter content._
> 
> **[Eternity's Struggle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11727165)**  
>  _Eternity’s Struggle, the Sequel to[A Glimpse of Eternity](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280), is a compilation of short stories, letters and life-snapshots that are sprinkled throughout the events of Mass Effect 2 following both Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko as well as, in later chapters, some interactions between Shepard and Thane Krios. There are gameplay spoilers. M/F, Shepard x Kaidan, Shepard x Thane. Rated M for later chapter content._
> 
> **[Eternity Embraced](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11757357)  
>  ** _Eternity Embraced, the sequel to[Eternity's Struggle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280%3EA%20Glimpse%20of%20Eternity%3C/a%3E%20and%20%3Ca%20href=), follows the tumultuous relationship of Commander Kiara Shepard and Kaidan Alenko as they wage war against the Reapers that have invaded the galaxy battling loss, love, hope, despair and chaos. Sequel to Eternity's Struggle. There are gameplay spoilers. M/F, Shepard x Kaidan. Rated Explicit for content in later chapters._

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**Note From The Author**

_I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read through this. This is my first ever publicly published work and I am really excited about it._ _I love constructive feedback so please comment or get a hold of me if you have anything you'd like to share!_

_These are the fan fictions I've wrote about Commander Shepard (female) and Kaidan Alenko in the Mass Effect Universe. The writing follows their journey from Mass Effect 1 through Mass Effect 3, including fan fictions covering the time between ME1 to ME2 and ME2 to ME3. Given the gameplay of the Mass Effect series is so extensive, I decided to just write on the interactions between Kaidan Alenko and Commander Shepard instead of write the whole of their journey through the game series. A lot of this writing expands on the story that Bioware created for Shepard and Alenko's romance, adding in their personal thoughts, feelings and even altering or supplementing interactions to give a more rounded out and whole story, including adding new interactions and material to give more character depth._

_I hope you enjoy. A lot of time, effort and tears have gone into these stories. I love Kaidan Alenko and his romance with Commander Shepard. I hope I have done the character’s justice._

_[A Glimpse of Eternity](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11708280) and [Eternity's Struggle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11727165) are both rated M for Mature due to non-explicit adult content in the later chapters of them both. [Eternity Embraced](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11757357), however, is rated Explicit due to more detailed descriptions of intimate sexual encounters later on in the chapters. _

_I own only the individual personality of Commander Kiara Shepard that I have developed inspired by the Commander Shepard in the gameplay. I do not own, nor hold any rights, to any of the characters, dialogue, storylines or any part in or of the "Mass Effect" game series. I want to thank Drew Karpyshyn and his staff of amazing writers, animators and voice actors. These are for fan enjoyment only and no money had been made on these stories._


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